Was it a coincidence I wondered, that I had been offered my own column just two days after my 40th birthday?

Had I passed some sort of mental milestone?

Did it mean I was wiser and more mature, able to impart knowledge on a weekly basis?

Could I finally become a respected pillar of the community, someone people actually listened to and revered?

Or was it just a case of being more bitter and twisted than everyone else, and so fiercely biased, bigoted, bossy, cocky, conceited, dictatorial, hard-line, high-handed, inflexible, obstinate, one-sided, overbearing, pig-headed, stubborn, uncompromising and unyielding that I was therefore ideal for the job?

Yes, with a gob like a freight train, and an ability to slag off all and sundry, I could give Paul Merton a run for his money.

On asking, I was told the latter.

In fact, to massage salt into the wound, my boss clarified it with the following immortal phrase: “You’ll be perfect – you’re the most opinionated person I’ve ever met.”

So there we go. Bubble firmly burst, my puffed up sense of 40+ self-worth lying in tatters around me.

But either way, I’ll burst into the ring fists up high, punching the air, ready to give as good as I get. Dereck Chisora eat your heart out.

You want to know what I think? You got it, with bells on.

Scared? You shouldn’t be. As an exhausted mother-of-four, I’m all talk. But speaking of talk, here are some of my recent observations on reaching the dizzying heights of the big 4-0.

1) Hangovers last for longer and increase with ferocity. After the weekend I’ve just had, I should know.

2) Overnight guests should leave first thing in the morning. I need time to be grumpy alone.

3) Organising how to get to places and back takes up much more time. Sleeping on other people’s sofas is no longer an attractive option.

4) Good girlfriends are as important as oxygen.

5) I don’t like surprises any more. When you have kids and have spent the last 15 years organising everyone and everything, it’s disconcerting not knowing what you’re doing next, when, how or why, and then being expected to be grateful.

6) I won’t be wearing hotpants again any time soon.

7) Cream doesn’t stop wrinkles, whatever they tell you.

8) Old people holding hands is as good as it gets. It gives you hope.

9) Clothes shopping does make you feel better.

10) Relaxing is an art I’m afraid I’ve forgotten.

As for pet hates: I hate rudeness, people who eat with their mouths open, the smell of old damp towels, scary movies, spitting, stray hairs on clothes, R&B, and having to see boys’ pants (especially white) because they’ve got go-low trousers on.

So yes, I have opinions and am happy to voice them. And maybe I am getting reactionary. But I quite like that. I know my own mind.

And I guess that’s what they wanted when they asked me to write a column. Someone to spice things up a bit.

So hold on. I’m not expecting you to enjoy the ride, but with a title like Mac The Knife at least you know what you’re in for.