Everyone should have a nemesis. It shouldn’t be confined to the pages of a comic or the big screens of our cinemas.

It can enter our lives at an early age. He or she was the kid who appeared so similar but was always a tad smarter at school, quicker on the sports field and more confident in just about everything else.

As time moves on, so does the nemesis’s identity but a thorn in our side it remains.

There are workplace nemeses, neighbourly nemeses, even family nemeses.

Most of the time they have no idea of this pantomime part in our lives they play. Going about their business oblivious to the fact they’re doing whatever it is they’re doing just slightly better than we do it.

Yet think about it... the frightening thing is that someone somewhere has US down as their nemesis.

Anyway, nemeses aren’t just human. I have animal, mineral and vegetable nemeses.

My ultimate nemesis is food. It sits in fridges all over Oxfordshire watching waiting and winking at me. “Eat me” it cries, “but I’m not hungry” I reply.

Back it comes with a deafening roar: “EAT ME I SAID!”

To try to win this battle I recently started a new diet. It’s a French export. Sadly not based on consuming cheese and wine.

It’s like a caveman’s diet. Meat to the left of me, meat to the right of me . . .

For the past 10 days nothing else has passed my lips. On the face of it, eating a big steak for lunch is great, but just when I fancy a little dessert, all that stares back from the fridge is more meat.

In the end, so disgusted by the idea of more meat you settle for a glass of water and a long lustful daydream about a chocolate cake you once ate without even slicing it.

To counter the possibility of your body going on strike while you abuse it with meat you have to drink three litres of water. Suffice to say, I spend a lot of time in the loo.

Indeed, last Wednesday I moved my bed in there as it cuts out the walk in the middle for the night.

However, the ultimate effect has been encouraging, and weight loss for a fat man is akin to winning the Lottery, although having never won the Lottery I can’t be certain.

So I shall stick with it, but I’m really not convinced.

“I’m now at a stage of the diet where the occasional bit of lettuce or broccoli is thrown my way but no fruit is allowed. Can any diet that bans apples really be that good for you?

After all, an apple a day keeps the doctor away . . .

Or is it a Mars a day?