I HAVE just spent the past hour learning all about binge drinking, heroin, cocaine, crack cocaine, ecstasy, burglary, mugging, terrorism and... Santa Claus!

In fact, I now know much more about these subjects than I have ever known before, and the people I have to thank for this is the British Government.

Well, more specifically, the people who designed the Life in the UK test that I am currently studying for.

This is the test that, every year, more than 100, 000 people take on their journey to becoming a citizen of this fine country. And this year I’m joining them.

By the way, if you work for immigration, don’t get excited. I actually am here legally, but I want to make it more official and obtain citizenship.

However, before I get to the application process itself, I have to sit this bizarre examination.

To be clear, I think the idea of having to do a test is fine. After all, if you want to call yourself a citizen of a country, it kind of makes sense for you know one or two things about the place.

But having just obtained the study handbook Life in the United Kingdom: A Journey to Citizenship, I’m a little concerned about some of the information it demands potential new citizens commit to memory.

For example, in addition to teaching me all about the problems of binge drinking, drugs and terrorism – which, coincidentally is quite near the front, thus making me wonder, is this a deterrent designed to scare off people with a weak disposition? – I also must know: ‘How often do children in the UK receive their pocket money?’ as well as: ‘During Christmas why do children hang up a long sock, stocking, or pillowcase?’ Fortunately I’ve seen enough movies to answer question two, but question one may cause me some trouble.

In order to pass I need to know what percentage of young people took part in fund-raising or collecting money for charity in 2003, a fact I’m sure will come in handy… never.

I’m also praying this question doesn’t come up in my test: ‘The British Father Christmas travels from an area close to the South Pole – true or false?’ Because I’m not quite sure if they want me to answer that based on a nine-year-old’s opinion or a 39-year-old’s.

I recently quizzed some of my work colleagues using some of the information in the book, and let’s put it this way; if their ability to live in the country they were born in was decided on their answers, every single one of them would be packing their bags.

Personally I look forward to the day I will either: (a) sell the book on eBay to a pub landlord in need of quiz questions no-one will ever know the answer to; or (b) do something that involves the book, matches and a fireplace.

You have one minute to circle the correct answer.