YES, it’s Valentine’s Day. And, in Oxford, you really should shoot yourself (or at least move to Swindon) if you really can’t think of anywhere to express your true feelings.

After all, while this may not be Paris, it’s not Milton Keynes or Hastings either. So relax, cut-out-and-keep this guide, and remember, you’ve still got time to impress: l The small bar upstairs at the Phoenix cinema in Walton Street, Jericho. Oxford’s best kept secret, it’s cosy, intimate, and deliciously comfortable. And the best time to arrive? Around 8.30pm to catch the pre-show buzz before having the place to yourself once the main feature starts.

l Mug for the camera at the Natural History Museum in Parks Road. Not only are its exhibits impressive, but so too is the building (think Bond, think Hollywood, think Batman). And if you can’t flirt beneath its Tyrannosaurus Rex, you’ll never flirt anywhere. Plus, spare a coin for its itsy-bitsy baby dino, that roars and judders for the price of a pound. It’ll show your more sensitive side.

l Uncle Sam’s second hand clothes shop in Little Clarendon Street. A veritable Aladdin’s Cave of every style, fashion, and must-have since the 1930s. Colourful, friendly, and a sure-fire hit for breaking the ice, whether dressing up or dressing down, it’s fun, young and irresistible.

l The seats in the Balcony at the back of the New Theatre. Particularly rows ‘f’ and ‘e’. Right at the very top, they’re the least sought after yet offer the best view. And more often than not, you’ll be the only ones there.

Smuggle in a bottle of Moet (or some Prosecco from Tesco) and once the curtain rises and the lights dim, it’s like having a box at the New York Met.

True, it’s shut tonight, but there always the weekend (Alexandra Burke, Friday, and The Saturdays on, er, Saturday).

l The bar at The Randolph Hotel in Beaumont Street. Not for the whole evening, you understand, but for people watching. It’s a great place to nip in, order, point, eavesdrop, giggle, and nip out again.

See if you can spot actor Kevin Whateley (Lewis), or ex-President Jimmy Carter (I spotted him and his band of secret service agents having coffee there) or even Pierce Brosnan.

l The table at the very rear of the White Horse pub in Broad Street (next to Blackwells). It’s slightly elevated, slightly hidden, and if you are lucky enough to nab it, defend with extreme prejudice. Two people can curl up here, or four at a push (though if you’re strangers, it could get creepy).

l Waterstones, Cornmarket. I mean, think books (so you look intelligent), coffee (for those sweet-nothings) and spur-of-the-moment gifts.

l And finally, Modern Art Oxford. It’s hip, it’s happening, and if the object of your desire waxes lyrical over a pile of bricks, you’ll know in future to save your money.

Happy Valentine’s!