Much as I love American cars, even I have to admit the Cadillac Escalade is like Frankenstein’s monster compared to virtually any other vehicle on the road.

You can just imagine the crazed team on the assembly line responding as cackling bosses scream “More power!” and lightning bolts flash around the looming hulk shuddering into life at the end of the track.

And if you thought that was scary, owning an Escalade is just as terrifying. The fuel bills alone are enough to give you palpitations as the Caddy gulches fuel through its gargantuan six-litre V8 engine.

Then, for a car that promises to be the last word in luxury, you will recoil at the poor quality fixtures and fittings that are more akin to a Ford Focus than a Rolls Royce while there are gaps in the panels where the bits just don’t fit together.

But the real horror show is the £70,000 price tag which is enough to have even the most profligate banker checking his balance.

So just who buys this aberration? Predictably it’s people with about as much taste as a tramp at a Champagne reception.

Premier League footballers and rap music stars are the customers of choice. The type of people who, not content with the Escalade’s raft of bad taste features, want to really pimp their ride.

So expect solid gold ash trays and solid silver spinning discs on the wheels with a stereo that can destroy small buildings at a range of 200 yards.

The most laughable aspect of the Escalade range is that there is a hybrid option for the engine which promises a 20 per cent improvement in fuel consumption.

It sounds good until you realise the “improved” figures are around 25mpg on a good day with a strong wind behind you. How green is that?

Not that its drivers will really care.

Of more concern will be the news that Escalades can be stolen very easily with a couple of tweaks of the steering lock and the use of another vehicle (preferably a tank) to shove its 2.7 tonne backside around the block.

If it were mine I’d love to have it nicked and then I could use the insurance to buy a proper American car like a Chrysler 300C with enough change for a Ford Mustang GT.

Then I could be genuinely cool rather than a senseless sultan of bling.