Society has changed and few parents stay together “for the sake of the children”. But we should think carefully about the way we separate and make sure we minimise the detrimental effects of separation on our children.

Statistics are clearly showing that, because when most parents break up they are experiencing an emotional trauma themselves, they find it really difficult to plan their separation in a way which helps their children to understand and cope.

Children often learn that their parents are separating by overhearing it in an argument.

Two in five parent couples who decide to separate, physically separate the same day with the child losing one of its parents from the family home on the day that they learn of the decision.

This is quite a shock and gives no time for the child to come to terms with it. No matter how bad the relationship is and how much arguing there has been, generally children will not really have thought that their parents will break up.

The lifestyle they live will have seemed normal to them and they just assume it will continue. There are many statistics about the effects of separation on children and the problems which can follow.

Significant percentages of children self harm following their parent’s separation and develop conditions such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

But the emotional and psychological trauma which can lead to these and other problems is much more likely to be caused where the trauma happens unexpectedly and the child is unprepared for it.

Parents try to protect their children for months and even years from the fact that their relationship does not seem to be working. It is with the best of intentions and the hope that the relationship will improve. This is a great motive, but the problem is because it is almost at the moment of separation, the children are left in complete shock.

It would help so much if parents could plan their separation over a period of time, discussing together how they will warn the children of the possibility first so that they can come to terms with it.

Mediation is often thought of as a means of resolving issues after separation, but if parents have decided to separate it would be extraordinarily beneficial to their children to delay their announcement long enough to get some experienced help in managing their separation for the sake of their children.

If you are on certain benefits or earn at or below the living wage of £7.65 an hour you can contact Family Matters, which is free of charge, and they can help you through the separation process and with any referral to mediation.

Or you can contact a mediation service direct to make an appointment and if you are on a low income you may be eligible for free mediation paid for by Legal Aid. Family Matters Oxford can be contacted on familymatters.oxford@resolution.org.uk or telephone 01865 406009 or 01865 406038.

You can find out more at www.resolution.org.uk/familymatters