Sir – Gosh! Until I read Dan Mitchell’s letter (August 18), I had thought that sainthood was dead. But I cannot hope to emulate his saintly attitude towards tourists. When elbowed off the Magdalen Street pavement by a gaggle of fizzy-drink-sipping, cheeseburger-grasping (and this is often all they buy here) Southern European youths as I try to attain the bus-stop, I feel a distinct need for self-affirmation. I am sharpening retaliatory elbows.

I have a four-point plan for self-affirmation by citizens in the face of tourists:

  • Roadblocks will intercept all tourist buses. Two charges will be made. £20 per tourist to go to the colleges to pay for tuition fees. And £50 for a voucher to spend with Oxford businesses.
  • Street directions. Tourists asking for the station will be directed over Magdalen Bridge; those aiming for Christ Church sent towards St John’s
  • Tourists taking photographs of the fish (and preventing customers getting near the counter) at our superb fishmongers in the Covered Market will be obliged to buy a kilo of fish
  • Tourists will only be allowed to visit restaurants and pubs in the George Street and station areas.

An exception will be made for any restaurant which has been favourably reviewed in your columns by Mr Christopher Gray: tourists will be welcome there. Aux armes, citoyens!

Nigel Clarke, Oxford