Katherine MacAlister on why men and women should stop trying to be more like each other...

She may not be the best role model in the world when it comes to offering advice on marital problems, but Fergie can certainly cut it when it comes to striking deals.

So it came as no surprise to anyone to learn yesterday that her latest advance was reportedly in the £500,000 ballpark. What may be a little more eyebrow-raising is that she is choosing to write about how to deal with man trouble.

But if Fergie isn't your first choice for marriage guidance counsellor, there's a whole bunch of people in Oxford this week who are regarded as some of the world's leading experts in exactly that field.

And the message from the top is: If your marriage is going through a rough patch, fear not.

Although the experts - who are meeting all week at St Catherine's College - may not be concentrating on your particular problem, their conference could benefit us all.

The billion-dollar question taxing the relationship gurus at the moment is this: Are men and women different?

The best-selling book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus first brought the issue to the public's notice a few months back.

But according to Julia Coles of Relate, the marriage counsellors, the tide of opinion is turning. She said: "Women have been crying out for men to address their feminine side and express their emotions, but after years of research the experts have realised that emulating each other is not the answer. Instead, couples should highlight their differences."

The concept is so easy it's amazing nobody's grasped it before.

So before you rip off your beloved's head with exasperation because he's left the loo seat up again or spent his month's wages in a day, stop and think.

Where did he learn to be so carefree about money? Has he been brought up to see it as an enjoyment or something deadly serious to be hoarded? Why does he think it's a woman's job to do the housework?

His upbringing has a lot to answer for. And to break the mould, he needs to understand you have been brought up differently and therefore see things differently.

This will save a lot of heartache, because such subconscious behaviour is never resolved in rows and couples just get frustrated that partners can't see where they are coming from. But in case you start thinking I'm sounding just a bit too knowledgeable, I have to confess that this advice was passed on by an eminent Belgian, Prof Alfons Vansteenwegan.

In a lecture to the conference, organised by Relate to celebrate its 60th anniversary, he said: "If you fall in love don't speak - it's a disease of the eyes. As soon as you open your mouth, the differences emerge."

An American colleague who organises pre-nuptial agreements told delegates: "I've got one of the hardest jobs in the world because when you first fall in love you cannot see the need. The differences have not emerged at that stage."

But an Indian representative said for many in her country the problem was resolved with arranged marriages. "They fall in love after they are married and so go into the union with no romantic illusions," she said.

When the forum is finished, the shared words of wisdom from 20 countries will be incorporated into Relate's pre-marriage classes.

Sarah Bowler, Relate's chief executive, explained: "The way men and women approach relationships is constantly changing and Relate has to keep up to date to be in the best position to mediate.

"One third of couples co-habit now instead of marrying. People are also getting married much later. The average age in the 1980s was 21. Now it's 26."

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