I was intrigued with the suggestion made in a recent letter to the Oxford Mail to ban cyclists in Oxford (“Cyclists need to be banned from centre before someone is killed”, March 4).

Describing an incident in which he was nearly run over by a cyclist travelling on National Cycle Route 5 which crosses Queen Street from New Inn Hall Street to St Ebbes St, the correspondent concludes that “it is now time to ban all cycles from the centre of Oxford before someone is killed. Perhaps we could have a ‘Park and Walk’ for cyclists, where they could park just outside the centre of Oxford and walk in. Something needs to be done before someone is killed.”

And he is quite right. It is of course impossible to take issue with this logic. I am, like the 30,000 other cyclists who ride in the city centre, a maniac who is capable of transforming an apparently benign combination of steel tubing and rubber rings into a lethal killing machine.

I am cheery “Dr Jekyll” Styring while I am walking down the street towards my bike. But once unlocked and in the saddle, the beast within me is unleashed. Fury and rage cloud the mind and eyes of “Mr Hyde” the Cycle Nut, and I ride furiously around the city heedless to the plight of the poor pedestrian about his/her business. The tips of my long black cloak whip the cheeks of pedestrians as they run from doorway to bus shelter, avoiding the wrath of “Mr Hyde” and all the other devils on two wheels.The second that traffic light goes red, so does a film over our eyes – we jump on the pedals and swerve at violent angles towards the pedestrians huddled in groups behind the traffic light poles.

Ok, ok, so I am exaggerating. Cyclists only do that after they have been drinking heavily. But the correspondent’s principle is still sound. On rare occasions, people on bikes behave in a dangerous and thoughtless manner. The easiest way to stop this is to ban people on bikes. Clearly. But that is too soft. To really crack this nut, we should be looking at the individual. A male, you say, with short hair and wearing blue jeans. Oh, and glasses. OK, so really what we are saying is that men with glasses and short hair, and who are wearing blue jeans, are the menace. So I would like to propose that we not only exclude all cyclists from the city centre, but also all men glasses, short hair and jeans. Simples. Police cordon and job done.

What? A car ran someone over in the city centre? Wait! And a bus knocked over a cyclist, you say? OK, well we have a system in place now for this sort of thing. We ban cars and we ban buses. Nothing could be more straightforward – or safer. We now have a totally safe city centre environment in which pedestrians cannot be harmed.

Oh no. Now look at this. A man – a pedestrian to boot – was convicted of a random and vicious city centre assault on a bus passenger. OK. Now this is getting tricky. Do we ban all pedestrians or just all men?