GOING through a divorce or separating from your partner, especially when you have children together, can be a traumatic and stressful time. Keeping the process as non-confrontational as possible is likely to ease some of the stress, and tends to lead to longer lasting solutions for you and your family.

In the past, people going through separation have felt that the automatic step they needed to take was to appoint a solicitor, and often to deal with things through the courts. That is now no longer the case, and there is a growing movement amongst the legal profession, as well as other advice providers, to encourage alternative ways of resolving the disputes which might exist upon separation.

There are the following ways of resolving the issues which might arise upon your separation: l Family mediation: This is where you and your partner meet with a mediator and attempt to resolve issues in an informed, safe and neutral environment. The mediator cannot take sides. Mediation enables you both to reach agreements about any issues which might arise as a result of your separation.

l Collaborative law: Here, you both have your own solicitors, but those solicitors are signed up to a scheme which means that they do not send correspondence to each other, but that instead, you and your solicitor meet “around the table” with your partner and their solicitor, and negotiate issues face to face at a series of meetings. Both collaborative solicitors are committed to finding the best solutions by agreement.

l Solicitor negotiations or court: You can appoint a solicitor to negotiate an agreement and if this does not succeed, to issue an application through the courts.

l Family arbitration: This is a newer process, where instead of asking a judge to decide upon any disagreements, you ask a family arbitrator to decide. If you decide on this you both sign up to the process and cannot back out without your partner’s consent. There has been a recent case which has held that a decision reached through family arbitration is good law and will be enforced by the courts.

l Doing it yourselves: Negotiating your own agreement can be the cheapest way of reaching an agreement, but it is not suitable for everyone. It may work well if you have mutually agreed all issues and want to remain on good terms. It is important to take legal advice on any agreement reached and you can do this by contacting a member of resolution, all of whom are signed up to approaching all cases in a constructive, family friendly, non-confrontational way.

Many Solicitors are developing schemes to advise people going through mediation or trying to resolve things themselves, and it is worth calling a few of your local solicitors to see what schemes they have on offer.

The end of your relationship will be a difficult time for you, but if you have children, it is likely to be even more difficult for them. The more you can maintain a civilised, practical working relationship with your former partner, the easier it will be for you both to help your children come to terms with things and deal with any issues they might have.

l Tips for talking to your children: “We will always be your Mum and Dad”

l If possible, tell your children about your separation together, demonstrating that you are still mum and dad, no matter what has happened between you.

l Talk to them in general terms, don’t involve them in the complicated reasons for the break-up or in grown up problems.

l Let them know it’s ok to ask questions. Try to have some answers ready for them.

l Children often think it’s their fault that their parents are separating, so make sure that you try and reassure them that this is not the case. l Remember that children act in different ways, and it is important to let your child know that their feelings are normal and that they can always talk to you.

l Your child might not want to talk about this, and if this is the case, just let them know that it is ok, and that you will listen when they want to talk.

Turpin & Miller is a law firm based in East Oxford with a national reputation for excellence.
It celebrated its 10th anniversary last year and picked up two prestigious awards – the Legal Aid Firm of the Year 2012 and the Law Society Award for Excellence in Client Service.
Emily Boardman is one of T&M’s partners and is head of the family department.
She undertakes any complex family case but specialises particularly in representing parents and children in cases involving social services.
She is chairwoman of Oxfordshire’s Resolution group and sits on Resolution’s national legal aid committee. She is also a member of the Association of Lawyers for Children, The Law Society’s Children Panel and The Law Society’s Family Law Panel.
Emily will be writing regular articles for the Oxford Mail.
If you have a legal question for her or the Turpin & Miller team ring 01865 770111 or email eboardman@turpinmiller.co.uk