How to keep passion alive . . . and why more women are having affairs

Cynical but true if new research is anything to go by.

According to a survey of 2,000 British couples, almost half say there’s not enough physical affection in their relationship.

Two-thirds feel starved of affection and nearly a third can go for days without touching their partner at all.

Despite this, the Embrace Skin Intimacy report from condom-makers Durex, reveals more than 80 per cent think skin contact is important to their relationship.

A whopping 70 per cent rate cuddling as crucial and 61 per cent wish they spent more time kissing, snuggling and being affectionate.

So, if most people want more physical affection from their partner, why aren’t they getting it?

Anne Thompson is a qualified relationship counsellor and neuro linguistic programming (NLP) master practitioner who runs Witney-based Extraordinary Outcomes counselling service.

The survey findings don’t surprise her, as she often sees couples who haven’t had sex with each other for years.

Often, it’s down to a mis-match, where one person wants more physical touch but the other doesn’t realise.

It’s what she calls ‘magic thinking’, in that we expect our partners to somehow magically know what we want and feel.

She said: “People feel very despondent that their partner doesn’t know what they want.

“In romantic films, couples say things like ‘It’s a meeting of minds’ and ‘we always know exactly what the other is thinking’.

“But it’s not like that in real life.

“They have to go through the painful process of realising they have to work at it.”

Our hormones are partly to blame, because when we fall in lust or love with someone, we experience a surge of testosterone, oxytocin and serotonin.

These feel-good chemicals wash through our system, giving truth to the expression ‘madly in love’.

Differences are likely to pass unnoticed during that crazy honeymoon phase.

But once the effect begins to wear off, things can get tricky.

Lynn Errey, is an Oxford-based qualified relationship counsellor, psychosexual therapist and member of the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapists.

She says there are times in our lives when we need more or less, or even a different sort of, physical contact.

Children, illness, changes at work, tiredness and bereavement can get in the way of sex and physical affection.

Lynn explained: “Over the course of a relationship, the way a couple will touch and expect to be touched will change.

“They can lose confidence with their old identities.”

And touch can be misunderstood, in the same way words often are.

“There might be an imbalance in what they think about touch,” she added. “One may be reaching out to the other just for comfort but the other may see it as a come-on. They become a bit fearful and uncomfortable that touch might mean that they have to respond in ways they are not comfortable with.

“The other person might pull back and couples miss out on the capacity not just to comfort each other sexually but also to comfort each other with a hug.”

Distraction is another problem, with smartphones, computers and social media making us ever less-present in the moment.

The survey found that a quarter of couples are more likely to communicate via text, email or Facebook than face-to-face.

And more than half claim they’re too tired from work, family life and social activities to be affectionate when they're at home.

Lynn explained: “In the past, a couple might have spent their evenings cuddling up on the sofa and watching TV but now they’re more likely to both be on their laptops.

“Facebook or texting has a lot of emotional disconnect and the computer can be the third person in the room.”

She goes on to explain that in order for relationships to be strong, couples need to ‘stroke’ each other.

But she’s not necessarily talking about a physical stroke.

It can just as easily be saying something positive to your partner, such as thanking them for looking after the kids, or telling them they look nice.

The reason ‘strokes’ are so vital, is they act like a magic wand that wipes away negative stuff.

Couples in relationships that work, will fight and say and do negative things from time to time but are able to override it, with a mixture of talking about their feelings and physical affection.

Although touch is just one element in the relationship-repair kit, if you don’t touch you are left with less tools to repair the damage.

But the good news is that even if the physical gulf between a couple seems as large as the Grand Canyon, there’s hope.

Anne and Lynn have both helped couples resolve problems through counselling. They say actually, it’s not really about touching, it’s more about intimacy. And that comes down to good communication.

Anne pointed out: “In a relationship that works, a couple has learned to give the other what they need.

“Quite often, people have to learn how to communicate and appreciate each other.

“After all, no one wants to hug someone that’s getting on their nerves.”

Once people start to talk about what it is the other wants, Anne says they often become more tactile and physically connected.

“It’s about getting them each to grow into the space between them,” she added.

“Someone who wants lots of attention can learn to feel comfortable having less and the partner who feels they can’t give enough can grow confident about giving more.”

WHY MORE WOMEN ARE HAVING AFFAIRS

NOT enough sex is the main reason why women cheat on their partners.

And three-quarters of those who stray claim to love their steady bloke.

More than 10,000 women who’ve been unfaithful were quizzed by online dating site Ashley Madison.com, which specialises in extramarital affairs.

An overwhelming 95 per cent were not in love with their illicit partner, with just 11 per cent planning to ditch their other half.

It also emerged that 25-34 year olds are most likely to play away.

But rather than a one-night-stand, the average affair lasts for between one and three months.

Noel Biderman, founder and chief executive of AshleyMadison.com, said: “While women are gaining power in the workplace they’re no longer prepared to accept a disappointing performance from their man in the bedroom.

“Many work long hours, they juggle family and professional responsibilities and find that a busy lifestyle can be both an excuse and a cover for cyber affairs and physical affairs.

“Attitudes to infidelity amongst women are changing fast.

“The taboo is disappearing and it’s no longer a male preserve.

“With smartphones and access to the internet 24/7, women have the tools to seek out and conduct discreet affairs that leave no ‘digital lipstick’ in the way that Facebook does.

“It’s as safe and easy as ordering a takeaway.”

Mr Biderman also said he believes females are better at multi-tasking and so well-equipped to handle the problems of juggling a main partner and a lover on the side.