Wannabe Alan Whickers. I hate them. More stamps in their passport than Judith Chalmers and a pompous air of: “Well, of course, when we did the Balearics it was very different to now... but I’m sure you’ll have a good time anyway.”

New York is a case in point. Everyone who has been there reckons they’ve done it best.

“I had a steak as big as your head, and... wait for it... it cost me one dollar!” Boast after boast. Yawn.

What you really need to enjoy the city is a spirit of adventure that will take you away from the clichés.

First things first. New York is about the five boroughs. Don’t let Manhattan swallow your time. For example, Brooklyn would be America’s fifth largest city if it stood alone.

And the Bronx is not the war zone its old reputation would lead you to believe.

Secondly, the classic sights, such as the Empire State Building, Central Park, Radio City and Statue of Liberty are worth a visit if you’ve not been to New York before. Knock them off quick, but knock them off.

Chances are you won’t want to do what I do. But my perfect day – period – would start with a coffee, a paper and corned beef hash with eggs at a decent diner.

Then an exhibition – my last trip took in the Tim Burton gallery at the Museum of Modern Art and a brilliant rock photography display at Brooklyn Museum.

I spend my afternoon in the Lower East Side, perusing record stores before stuffing my face with a pastrami sandwich at Katz Deli and supping pints of microbrew from a cramped bar with a tidy jukebox. I’ll get a ticket (usually months in advance) for Madison Square Garden and a New York Rangers ice hockey game, where I can swear, eat chilli dogs, spill beer down myself and hope to see a punch-up on the rink.

If the New York Islanders are in town, all the better. Enjoy the hollering ‘Fish stick’ references (no, me neither) and abuse usually the preserve of an English football terrace.

Later, if there’s time, head to the Bowery Ballroom to catch a band. Sometimes even a big UK act playing a smaller stage as they attempt to break America.

Or my favourite NYC ‘thing’ – stand-up comedy: check out Seth Herzog’s evening at the Slipper Room, for example.

Summer means baseball and either the new Yankee Stadium in the Bronx or the Mets at Citifield in Queens. An afternoon at the ballpark is your quintessential American experience in a can. You may not understand what the hell is going on, but you’ll meet people, and learn more about the city in one day than any guide book will ever tell you.

By the way, the Mets are rubbish, but Citifield is where I would go. The fans are cynical, but passionate. Then there’s the pulled pork sandwiches.

Anywhere you go, you can’t avoid people. Noisy people.

Midtown Manhattan is a river of yellow cabs and skyscrapers jutting into space. It has the swanky shops in Fifth Avenue and cool galleries of Chelsea. You could pick up lunch at Chelsea Market – former home of Nabisco, where the first Oreo cookie was made – with anything from bakeries and lobster to soups and monstrous muffins.

Then head to the High Line – a disused elevated freight railway transformed into a public park, which stretches from Midtown to the Meatpacking district.

Roughly in that direction is my one museum tip: the Lower East Side Tenement Museum, which is recreated apartments where some of the city’s first immigrants lived in the late 1800s.

From here, once you’ve done with a multitude of the cooler-than-Camden Lower East Side bars and shops, you can cross the Williamsburg Bridge into Brooklyn.

Williamsburg is a hip hub. Everyone looks like they play bass in the Strokes.

What I love about New York, why I keep coming back, is because it is everything I dreamed it would be from episodes of Taxi.

You would have to be unlucky, or the most boring person on the planet not to have a good time. It is impossible. If you haven’t been before, you must have a horrific phobia of flying.

My message is simple: Discover your own New York city. Without a guide book and those lightweight Sunday travel supplement articles, you’ll find that crazy bar, Michelin-worthy street food, a smoky comedy venue or great band all on your own.

The best nights out, the top discoveries, will always be the ones you make.

Remember, part of the joy of being in this city is just that: being here. It’s bewildering.

But one thing is a guarantee: You will be coming back.