THE DIARY

"So Boris has visited the head of Lothian Buses - but has Boris ever travelled on a bus?" Magnus mused, before going on to claim that on the sole occasion that Boris did board a bus, he imperiously gave the driver his home address, asking to be delivered there forthwith.

Hard to forget

ANOTHER Edinburgh rectorial candidate, crusading journalist John Pilger, was represented at the hustings by Mick Napier, chair of the Scottish Palestine Solidarity Campaign. Mick's hectoring style alienated his student audience, but they did enjoy his accusation that Boris Johnson conveniently had forgotten his initial energetic support at Westminster for the Iraq war. "Boris's only ally is amnesia, " Mick asserted, "and he better be careful: George Bush will one day think it's a small country and invade it."

Grand plan

MENTION of jazz legend George Chisholm prompts Alan Donaldson, of Glasgow's Kelvinside, to recall George's revelation that he'd only been able to concentrate on his favourite instrument, the trombone, after leaving his Glaswegian birthplace and re-locating to London. "For my own protection, I played the piano during my young days in big bands in and around Glasgow, " George reminisced. "Given how often fights broke out in the audience, with flying bottles, crawling under a trombone to hide was never going to work."

False alarm

BUDGET aviation pioneer Sir Freddie Laker began by operating an airborne cross-channel carferry service from Southend. One stormy day, Freddie was waiting at the airport to comfort passengers after their short but extremely rough flight from France. As a group of ashen-faced passengers tottered unsteadily into the arrivals hall, Freddie spotted a man clutching an air-sickness bag. Rushing over, Freddie exclaimed: "You don't have to do that, give it to me, I'll dispose of it." Grasping the bag more tightly, the man glared at Freddie as an unseemly wrestling match developed. The man then gumsily cried: "But my denturesh are inshide."

Expatriate Scot Ian Sutherland, now in New Zealand, was recently driving through Auckland's suburbs when he became transfixed by a sign outside the premises of a local funeral director. Wonders Ian: "Who was he trying to tempt by advertising Valentine's Day Specials?"

Jail sentence

READER Derek Phillips, of Baillieston, was listening to a BBC Radio 2 phone-in debate about the seven-year jail sentence imposed on Abu Hamza for incitement to murder. One caller was adamant that seven years was insufficient, while presenter Tim Marshall counter-argued that Hamza was being jailed for words, not violence. Derek was oddly unsurprised when he heard Tim continue: "Hamza hadn't raised a finger to hurt anyone."

Name of the game

THE late Ron Greenwood, former England and West Ham manager, revealed ruefully that Scots pals witnessed his most embarrassing football moment. It came when Ron and his formerWest Ham charge, Geoff Hurst, pictured, visited their old club's ground, Upton Park, where an officious Cockney steward denied Ron post-match entry to the reception suite bearing his name. Grudgingly accepting proof of Ron's identity, the steward then delighted the Scots by turning to England's World Cup hero, sneering: "And 'oo do you fink you are - Geoff Hurst?"

Down in Wales for yesterday's rugby, a Scotland fan found himself accompanying a pal to the Royal Glamorgan Hospital in Llantrisant. As the Royal Glamorgan is located roughly halfway between the Princess ofWales Hospital in Bridgend and the Prince Charles Hospital in Merthyr Tydfil, locals have nicknamed it the Camilla.

Murray mint

THREE readers - Ian Barnett, of Newton Mearns, and Bill and Doris Arnott - noted our mention of the forthcoming Olympic Games, proffering Chic Murray's distinctive take on the subject. On a visit to the Olympics, Chic bumped into an athleticlooking chap, asking him:

"Are you a pole vaulter?"

His reply was: "No, I'm German - but how did you know my name was Walter?"