The Original Rabbit Foot Spasm Band's Stuart Macbeth takes a walk on the wild side at the school disco - only to see a child get his head stuck between two PE mats during the can-can...

THE SCHOOL DISCO A Mutant Ninja Turtle breakdances like a demented squid at my heels.

My ears ache from the din of high pitched screaming. Everywhere around me masses of squirming bodies writhe wildly in the flash of cheap, coloured lights. Yes, it’s time for the Primary School Disco.

The usual crowd of hyper involved parents stand in formation to my right. They appear to be congratulating themselves on another storming success - unaware that most of the children have put their fingers in their ears.

On the left side there’s a DJ with a sleazy tache. He fumbles with a CD as Princesses and Superheroes spin around his makeshift decks. These he’s cunningly constructed from tables that were intended for use by the under fives.

My seven year old daughter attempts a dainty twirl and in the process takes out about fifteen other children. My expression shows concern - but I’m secretly relieved by the carnage. The build up to the school disco has been tense. Outfits have been cast aside. My children have practiced their moves with furniture-smashing vivacity. I’ve pined for the age of vinyl records to come back in the hope the soundtrack to Frozen will finally wear out.

“I can’t sing along Daisy” I hear a teacher cry out, “I don’t know the words”. Look, it only goes “Everybody clap ” over and over again – a five year old could remember that. In fact, mine has.

Next there’s a competition. The boys stand on one side of the room, the girls on the other. The girls win every time.

This is because boys are rubbish at dancing. My son for example has developed a technique which involves leaping on the spot and flapping your arms like a penguin in need of a wee. Another boy just lies down in the middle of the floor and has a nap. During a potential lethal Can-Can a child gets his stuck between two PE mats and has to be rescued by his Mum. It’s the most entertaining thing I’ve seen in weeks “Come on Mums! Let’s Do the Macarena” yells the DJ. Let us not restrain our unbridled enthusiasm for one moment. Or face up to the fact that it’s barely 4 o’clock in the afternoon.

It’s at this point that I see my own daughter “doing” the Macarena. At what point did you learn to do the Macarena? You’re only seven. I didn’t teach you. Your Mum didn’t teach you. Oh she did? Well at least she’s finally moved on from the Timewarp.

With the end in sight my children tire of the Limbo Dancing contest and fling themselves at me. We retrieve our coats out disappear into the night - they’ve had a lovely time. If only grown up discos were like this I might go along to one - if only to see someone get their head stuck between two PE mats.