T’S a well-worn path of speed dating conversation that if we could be reborn as animals, would we choose avian, mammalian or chameleon?

I’m ashamed to admit that I too was intrigued by this conundrum when I learned that Oxford’s favourite athiest, Richard Dawkins, has had a fish named after him – in this instance, a tropical variety now known as Dawkinsia.

Bizarrely, while I’ve never pondered what animal I might be reincarnated as, I did find myself strangely haunted by what animal I would like named after me if I were still living.

After all, I live in a nice area, so there are the neighbours to think about.

And what about my parents? I’m sure they wouldn’t be too happy either if their son were suddenly named a new type of whelk.

Remember, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so while alive, surely it would be prudent to want the animal named after you to at least reflect some of your more noble traits?

Which means of course everyone’s first impulse is to conjure up images of lions and dolphins.

You know, precisely the kind of creatures that would flatter any ego.

But thankfully I gather this is considered very passe in those elite circles where bits of Mother Nature are lent your name.

So typically I began worrying just how I’d react if, Sir David Attenborough for instance, should choose to name say... a tapeworm after me? Would I be honoured or simply humiliated?

Yes I know, having anything named after you must be an extraordinary privilege, but when it comes to the animal kingdom, there are obvious winners and losers.

Like salmon and lampreys. I guess I would love to have some proud, heroic type beast, newly discovered, lent my moniker – after all, what a perfect after-dinner aphrodisiac? (“Darling, in the sludge and slime of the Mariana Trench lies a colossal cephalopod named ‘me’”).

But equally, since I value modesty above all human virtues, perhaps a type of dog might better satisfy my complicated cocktail of irrepressible ego and ever-vigilant humility.

Who knows? On Saturday, when asked, a friend of mine said he thought an anaconda would mirror him perfectly (only later over shots did his girlfriend confide a slow worm might be the better fit).

And that by itself threw up a whole new smorgasbord of debate, as in just what type of animal would women want to have named after them?

Around our office here in Osney Mead I was told “a bear”, “lion”, and a “tiger” which surprised me. I just naively assumed women would choose more sympathetic species like pandas and butterflies and poodles.

Or maybe I just need a holiday? Like 99.9 per cent of the rest of the world, no-one’s ever going to name an animal after me, and even if they did, so long as it didn’t excrete body waste through its mouth, I guess I could live with it...