Now that I have lulled you into a false sense of security and buttered you up with the professionalism of a master baker, now’s the time to reveal my true colours.

Like a croc diving down to retrieve his softened and rotted flesh, stored safely under a rock, now too I shall bring you out from the deep, dark depths to enlighten you as to what I really think.

Because while talking about food, children, shopping and the kind of anecdotes that give you a warm feeling inside, there’s more to me than sugary frivolities.

It was my son who kickstarted the new ‘me’ however, when on reading my last column, he pronounced me “random”. “Well what would you like to read then?” I asked. “How about a column on teenage pregnancy, or something a bit more hardcore – poverty in the Third World, England’s inability to win on penalties?”

But while these hot potatoes are enough to burn your palms, I’m heading for something far more controversial, and a topic guaranteed to make my blood boil – gay marriage, because while the debate rages on around us, the absurdity of the situation staggers me.

Firstly, we don’t care what the church decides, having already come to our own logical and diplomatic conclusions years ago.

None of us care if you’re gay, straight, divorced, pregnant, or of mixed race – wanting to get married is the thing that should be embraced. In this day and age, anyone who wants to tie the knot, get hitched and commit to a lifetime together should be applauded.

And the churches should be on their knees trying to drag them in, instead of sitting in a dark room for years on end pontificating about whether it’s the done thing.

Not, I suspect, that anyone who’s gay cares much what the church thinks. But some acceptance and recognition would be nice.

And secondly, while old white men sit and debate about gay marriage and whether women could lead the church, they are losing parishioners in their droves.

Far from leading the moral debate and setting an example, the churches are so far behind our general moral compass, they have become a laughing stock.

As far as I remember, being a Christian is all about loving thy neighbour as thyself. I certainly don’t remember an asterisk for the footnote at the bottom saying ‘unless you’re gay’. Or the bit in the Bible that says only men can wear bishop’s frocks.

Presumably the churches’ debating chambers don’t have windows, otherwise they could look outside and see that while they discuss such matters, year in, year out, life goes on. Why the church remains a bigoted closed shop mystifies me, when even the oldest gentlemen’s clubs and most boys’ public schools have opened their doors to women.

But before you all write in, please don’t. I don’t want to hear what Mark said in Corinthians or how the church manages to justify being homophobic and sexist while telling us to be better people.

Instead I, like hundreds of others, will vote with my feet. You won’t see me at church any time soon. Hallelujah!