This week I have been hula-hooping in private. Let me assure you, this isn’t an dodgy gyratory activity for the bedroom – it’s a desperate attempt to keep up with the little girls on the block and kid myself that a few years on the age tally doesn’t change anything.

I came across a youngster last month who appeared to be standing perfectly still, but with an almost imperceptible flick of the hip every couple of minutes, kept a hoop swirling around her sparkly princess costume for hours at a time.

Now I’ve heard that using hula hoops regularly (and I did double-check it wasn’t ‘consuming’ Hula Hoops) tightens up the waistline and turns the user into a svelte Angelina Jolie within a week.

But despite considerable determination, I was completely defeated by the child’s ring.

And with a little googling I discovered it’s entirely natural to look inept encircled by Toys “R” Us plastic.

The trick is having the right hoop, bigger and heavier to match the intended hula-hooper.

Within hours a delivery man was staggering up the drive under the weight of a gargantuan parcel and I was off, my enthusiasm outstripping the rotations of the hoop by a large factor.

My daughter, by the end of the afternoon, could perform an entire cheerleading routine inside a perfect spinning circle.

I, however, holding my arms as if about to burst forth with I’m a Little Teapot whilst concentrating like a Grand Chess Master, could still only manage a nearly semi-circle before the hoop thudded to the floor.

My greatest achievement was not decapitating the television. Alongside the hula-hooping, I have been trying to set up a pension for when I’m the sprightliest hooper in town, but the paperwork has been mind-boggling.

Not the pension scheme itself, but the forms that need signing to say I’ve signed other forms that were themselves proof of a previous signature.

With 50,000 copies of the Oxfordshire Artweeks guide currently at the printers, I’m well aware that paper prices have rocketed recently and now I know why.

But it’s all part of the careful regulation of the financial services industry to ensure that anything I hand over will go towards feeding and clothing me when I’m old.

However, we have now leapt through so many flaming hoops together, no one would be surprised if instead we pooled our resources and toured the world together as a circus double act.

In fact, in the current economic climate it might just be my best hope of generating income for the years to come. So maybe I’d better invest in one of those Disney princess costumes too.