I Am always amazed by staff uniforms. And no, not the ‘uniforms’ worn by people such as bus drivers or fast food workers, but those, for instance, that banks insist their staff wear.

It seems there really is no limit to what companies will spend to ensure their staff look shabby, cheap and, let’s face it, grubby. Obviously, it’s not the fault of the staff – I’m sure they feel embarrassed by their one-size-fits-all wardrobe.

But employers do seem hellbent on making their employees match, colour-for-colour, the company letterhead, monthly statements and letters of foreclosure.

And do they honestly think that customers, are impressed by these cheap, acrylic wouldn’t-fit-an-elk creations?

I was wondering about all this on Friday when I returned to work after a day’s sick leave.

Now, I know that having taken time off work, the sensible thing to do is return wearing your dowdiest clothes and appear as unkempt as possible – preferably unshaven, with breath smelling and a thin film of sweat on your upper lip and forehead to ‘prove’ just how sick you’ve been (a croaky, whispering voice doesn’t do any harm either). But that’s just not me.

When I’m feeling miserable, I like to dress up. Simples.

Which is precisely what I did. Even though my muscles ached, and my throat was still burning, I shaved, showered, and put on my favourite suit, walking into work like a million dollars and looking for all the world like the healthiest man in the Northern Hemisphere.

Doubtless it did little to improve my employee/employer credibility, but it made me feel better. And that was my point. Which is why I can never understand why people get so excited over office ‘mufti’ days when management relaxes its work dress code to allow staff to wear what they like.

I simply can’t believe that dressing down makes work more bearable and improves productivity (to sound like an economist for a moment).

Indifference, apathy, lack of interest and unresponsiveness are all cited as major malaises in the work environment. And, as you might expect, a great many suggestions have been put forward as to how best to eliminate these conditions, including sending staff away to Royal Marine-style boot camps, inviting stand-up comics to perform in canteens during lunch breaks, and best of all, initiating ‘victim-management’ confrontations in which put-upon employees get to challenge their bosses in a ‘caring, non-violent’ environment. What a load of tosh.

Surely the best way to improve customer relations, and make staff feel happier, is to give employees (that’s you and me) a clothing allowance to buy, say, two new suits a year, with bonuses for quality aftershaves, perfumes and matching lingerie (frankly, I don’t think underwear is such a big issue for men).

When you think what companies already fork out for snap-on polyester ties and name badges, it would actually save them a small fortune. And we, the staff, would, if nothing else, at least look like we cared.