Did I ever tell you about the time I won just over £150m pounds on the Lottery? I don’t like to shout about it too much because, despite winning enough money to clear a small European country’s debt, I decided I woudn’t let it change me.

In fact the only thing I’ve done differently since becoming so filthy rich that I’ve now got more money in the bank than Sir Cliff Richard, Van Morrison, Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow combined is to upgrade the telly to the movie package.

Oh, and I forgot... I’ve switched to putting that posh, unleaded petrol in the Renault.

I’m joking, of course. I’ve never won anything more than about £20 – and that was on a slot machine. But that didn’t stop me buying a ticket this week in the hope of becoming the biggest Euromillion winner ever.

It also didn’t stop me wasting time pondering what I’d do with the cash, because, selfish or not, I don’t know a single person whose life wouldn’t be completely changed by winning even a million quid.

Which is why it amuses me so much to see people who say their win won’t change them a bit.

You see the headlines everywhere: ‘Winning £260m Won’t Change My Life’; ‘£40m Won’t Change Me!’; ‘I’ll Still Go To Work Despite Big Win’.

Admirable statements, but to those people I say: ‘Give me your money!’ Because it sure as heck will change my life, and surely that’s what winning the Lottery is all about.

Admittedly, I wouldn’t be entirely selfish with the prize.

The first thing I’d do is surprise family and friends by clearing any mortgages or debts they’d got.

I’d also get a huge kick out of getting cheques for a million pounds cash delivered anonymously to charities which are close to my heart.

I think I’d also love to secretly help out families or businesses which are having it tough – though without them ever needing to know who their fairy godmother was (uh-oh, I’ve just read what I have written so far, and I fear I’m looking uncharacteristically nice.

So before I ruin my tough image, I should add that I would be organising all of this from a stupendously overpriced penthouse suite in New York where I’d be frivolously wasting money at a truly offensive speed).

But seriously, having clearly wasted far too much time on all of this virtual spending (did you know it’s only a million to get an A-list celebrity to sing at your party?) I really do think those people who say winning a fortune won’t change them should do the honourable thing: hand over your winning Lottery ticket to a friend whose life will be changed.

Failing that, send it to me. I know a hotel willing to give me a lovely room for just under US $5,000 a night.