I AM hugely tempted this week to conduct a survey of everyone who lives close to a Co-op. After all, if the firm’s new television commercial is to be believed, being ‘good with food’ can, in addition to saving you money, also save your marriage, act as the glue that keeps your family together, and, most impressively, work like Viagra on your sex life.

Just in case you’re unclear how your simple corner shop Co-op can do all this, let me enlighten you.

Imagine, if you can, an ordinary man staring straight out at you from your television. He’s in his mid-30s, weary and desperate to make himself heard. So he starts to talk: “Darling, if you’re suddenly aware that your husband is on television talking to you, well, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to do that massive weekly shop anymore. I don’t want us to sit in that traffic jam any more, or queue for that car park when we could be walking in the park with the kids.

“I don’t want to throw any more sausages away; I like sausages. I want to stay in bed on a Saturday morning. And (picture of male lion roaring) you know...? I wanna hold hands, throw bread to ducks, and laugh at your fear of swans. I want us to fall asleep together on the sofa and wake up with a pile of kids on top of us.

“I want to pick you up and carry you off and feel like Monday morning is so far away we might as well be in outer space. Thanks for listening. I love you.”

Voiceover: “Only buy what you want when you want it. Great food within easy reach at the Co-operative.”

Impressive isn’t it? But, sadly, it hasn’t helped me.

True, I have a Tesco nearby (Cowley Road), but it hasn’t managed to save my marriage; and the fact Sainbury’s has now opened on The Plain hasn’t improved my relationship with my children either (six of them, all by different mothers, and not a Co-op in sight).

Now don’t get me wrong, the Co-ops in Jericho, Headington and Summertown are valued by everyone who lives there, but I can’t quite make that all-important link between small convenience stores and a life of unimaginable contentment.

Shopping aisles, serve yourself dispensers and a range of refrigerated ready meals will never make me happy. A pay rise on the other hand, a natural all-over tan and a settled stomach will.

And, if I were going to trust a shop to make all the difference... it would be Ann Summers.