I am late for the cinema and cycling like a demented banshee. I am in the middle of the lane heading from Magdalen Bridge into the city centre in the middle of the lane because there are ruts and ripples on the gutter-side of that lane which would give Chris Bonnington a run for his money.

Buses bounce over this section as if it were corrugated iron, and the drivers in turn realise that cyclists need to cycle well out from the kerb past this death-trap.

The council knows all about it and I am assured it is in "the plan". I just hope for the sakes of 10,000 cyclists daily that this plan reaches the top of the list soon and leaves us with a safer result than the new arrangements at The Plain.

The lights are red. I am balancing, standing on the pedals, brakes onoffon and with my front wheel twitching, just like a bike courier. Buses in front and behind. The lights change, I heave on the pedals and BANG! My right leg crashes downwards, I brace myself against the handlebars and my crotch hits the crossbar.

I kind of hang there uselessly for what feels like a minute and I know that everyone who had been admiring my acrobatic and athletic display is now sniggering.

The chain had snapped. A bike with no chain is the weirdest contraption. I am stumped. I push the bike to the kerb, not sure what to do. A bus honks right behind me and passes uncomfortably close. A bit rude, but I tend to agree with him: cycle lane or not, chainless bikes are pavement-dwellers. Luckily, there is one cycle rack free in Queen's Lane. I abandon my useless Raleigh and scurry along to Magdalen Street.

It is not my lucky day. Twenty thousand foreign students have also decided that Wednesday is a great day to see Pirates of the Caribbean II.

I am there with the handy excuse that the following day I have to write about pirates (for my day job). Having tried a few times to book a 2-for-1 Orange-Wednesday' ticket online and over the phone, let me assure you that these methods are utterly impossible.

There is no option to select a 2-for-1 Orange-Wednesday'. It shouldn't be that way in this day and age, but previously, the cinema has assured me that this booking glitch doesn't matter. When I collect my ticket at the box office, I simply have to show the Orange code and I'll get a second ticket free. But NOT on days when 20,000 foreign students visit the establishment.

The woman behind us wants to refund a ticket ideal, we agree: the cinema can give her back her money, give us her ticket (for free) but, no, not on days when 20,000 foreign students (etc). A heated debate ensues. The pirates win the skirmish and we end up with the ticket.

Forewarned is forearmed: the 2-for-1 Orange Wednesday is a ruse designed to get you (and 20,000 foreign students) to visit cinemas on what was usually their quietest day. I grab a sword from the cardboard cut-out display and bring it down on the cashier's skull no, sorry, that's a scene later on, in the film.

Pirates turns out to be a fitting prelude to the ride home: read all about it in two weeks' time.