Being an open-hearted, charitable, do-anything-for-anyone type of guy, it shouldn’t come as any great surprise to learn that I spent all of five minutes this week trying to choose a Get Well card for a friend of mine who has flu.

She having spent the past nine days wrapped up like a mummy, I wanted to show I cared without actually visiting (‘things’ carry after all...).

Anyway, if I’d been paranoid about being felled by sickness, it was all in vain – just reading the pre-printed messages on the cards I picked up was enough to have me bending double from stomach cramps.

Indeed, I think they were probably deadlier than the virus itself, eating away at my bed-sored friend.

And as I’m a great believer in not keeping suffering to myself, allow me to share with you some of the more...poignant sentiments from the brief selection I looked at (please note: these ARE real) * Open this card carefully, then shake it round the room, it’s full of special wishes, to say please get better soon!

* We’ve heard you’ve got the “shnishums”, and the “Ah-tissues” too, so here’s an extra big loving “HUG”, to say we all miss you.

* Here’s a card that’s full of love, and all of it’s for you, so wrap up warm, be kind to yourself, and we’ll see you very soon.

* It isn’t just you that’s poorly, the office is as well, it’s not the same without your smile, so come back soon or else They’re bad aren’t they? That last one doesn’t even have the decency to rhyme – ‘well’ and ‘else’ are not after all harmonising bedfellows.

In fact, they’re almost as bad as those ‘In Sympathy’ cards you see on sale. You know, the ones that show a new dawn rising or a door closing while another opens.

Anyway, to pass away some of the long hours I spend in work, I’ve devised a list of my own ‘Get Well’ messages.

It wasn’t difficult - I simply went and bought a thesaurus, and looked up words that would rhyme with ‘drool’, ‘abscess’ and ‘stool’. True, they’re hardly compassionate, but based on the law that you’re only rude to those you like, they’d be more likely to make me smile and than the so-called ‘best wishes’ above.

* Sorry to hear you’re lying there, feeling rather blue, but let’s be honest, given the choice, we’re rather glad it’s you… * There’s nothing quite so awful, as having skin drip pus, but never mind, you’ve failed all your life, so have this virus on us… There...don’t you feel better now too?