If there’s one thing guaranteed to stop me watching television, it’s the ad breaks. You’d think then I’d be grateful to the people that make them.

After all, aren’t they freeing me up to enjoy a world of infinitely more interesting possibilities?

Well, no actually. The problem is, some of the commercials I’ve watched recently are so loathsome, they’re haunting me. And yes, ‘haunting’ is the VERY word.

For instance, there I am, happily wandering across Port Meadow or doing my weekly shop on Cowley Road, when suddenly, out of nowhere, I find myself bent double with stomach cramps, shouting “C’mon!” (and the ad is? – helpless woman abducted by sinister oven mitts attempting to escape in a Vauxhall Corsa).

And here’s the worst of the rest...

l THE BT AD The long-running saga of a man and a mother of two. First they’re together, blissfully. Then hey, wouldn’t you know it, he lands his ‘dream’ job, his internet connection breaks, and suddenly it’s anyone’s guess. And in the latest dramatic instalment, he rings his old man and exclaims: “Dad, I’ve got some news.”

I’m supposing he’s proposed and she’s accepted, but frankly where’s the drama in that? I’d prefer it if he... (a) got her pregnant by accident; (b) contracted herpes; or (c) realised her real name was Stan (having undergone the surgeon’s scalpel but three years before).

l CONFUSED.COM Now, call me old fashioned, but if I’ve just sorted out my insurance, the last thing I’d wanna do is go online and, using my webcam, talk ecstatically about said experience as if it were my first orgasm.

In truth, what I might do is meet a friend down the pub and say: “I’ve just sorted my insurance out.”

And he might say: “****** ‘ell, haven’t you got anything better to talk about?”

l THE TOYOTA AD All together now – ‘Give a little time for the child within you, don’t be afraid to be young and free…’ Seriously, if I’m cool and completely committed to eating up the open road, is a childish song sung by someone who’s 28 but pretending to be 14 truly going to make me splash out £20,000 plus?

No, not a hope in hell.

l THE CO-OPERATIVE Good old Bob Dylan. ‘How many roads must a man walk down…’ Together with a dandelion clock flying all over the place (advertising gurus please note - it’s A WEED).

And then that final, heart-felt tag line: ‘We believe when the benefits are passed around, it’s good for everyone…’ Really? Try telling that to the poor sales assistants in your under-staffed shops around Oxford.

They don’t look look that content or satisfied to me.

l AND FINALLY… ANY MOBILE PHONE AD They’re all just as bad as each other. For instance, that ad for Orange with its Bright Top Ups promotion – ‘I am a smile when you least expect it’.

Really?

Give me a break.