Jan couldn't fall apart because of her young son, who needed her. FIONA TARRANT reports...

THREE years ago, Jan Harvey, a former Oxfordshire Businesswoman of the Year, had to ring the Samaritans first thing every morning.

"I had to ask them for a reason to get up. I felt my life just wasn't worth living," said Jan, 36.

She had lost her home, her marriage had broken down and she was practically blind through stress.

A few months beforehand Jan seemed to have it all - a loving husband, a fabulous house, successful business, fast cars, horses and - the icing on the cake - a new baby.

Then, as Jan and her husband of 14 years hosted a birthday party for his mother, he took her aside in the garden and announced he was leaving her for another woman - a woman she considered to be a friend.

Jan said: "I was devastated. It was a woman we knew. We had shared many social occasions, including a get-together just after my baby was born.

"I'd given her a hug once when she was really upset and let my husband counsel her about her apparently rotten marriage.

"While I was pregnant I lent her my horse. I had no idea that she had her eye on my husband and my business."

Although Jan had her suspicions, when confronted, her husband accused her of suffering from hormone imbalance or told her she was simply 'mad'.

But she wasn't and her suspicions were right. Her bitterness was understandable. The graphic design consultancy she'd worked so hard to set up was gone - her husband and his mistress emptied the suite of offices overnight, taking the business with them and leaving her with the lease and a pile of rubbish to clean up.

In addition, Jan saw her beautiful converted mill home, in Cassington, repossessed. Her car had to be sold to meet debts and the creditors moved in on her.

She said: "My husband left me in a mess. As the person left behind, I had everything to deal with and it was a totally depressing experience.

"I stood outside what had been my business with my mum and dad and looked at eight years of hard work disappearing into a skip.

"I looked over at my mum, who was holding my three-month-old son and I felt my life was finished."

Then, to add insult to injury, a cheque book arrived in the mistress's name. "It was my company name on the cheque book," said Jan.

That event spurred Jan into action. The self-pity didn't last long.

"It was New Year's Eve 1996 and I scoured the Yellow Pages to find a solicitor who was working. "I found one - in Fleet Street - and used my savings to put a stop on the chequebook but it didn't curtail my anger or pain. I felt totally alone."

Things then got worse before they got better.

"I was developing aches and pains and my vision was so bad I could hardly see. It was all due to the stress I was under," said Jan.

But Jan couldn't fall apart because of her young son, who needed her.

Although the pair initially sought refuge with Jan's parents in Bicester, she picked herself up slowly and eventually found a little house near Faringdon. Another bold step she took was to go to Relate. This led to her enrolment on a ten-week divorce recovery programme, OXSEM.

Jan said: "It was most unlike me. I'm not really a group discussion sort of person but it was the best thing I did.

"It rebuilt my self-esteem and my self confidence, I met others who were in the same boat and I suddenly realised that I wasn't alone, nor did I deserve what had happened to me.

"Shortly after I started the course, I was set up on a blind date by a friend at the Chamber of Commerce.

"I was nervous about going but he turned out to be wonderful. Our relationship is based on love and it makes the difference that he is my absolute equal. We are the very best of friends," said Jan. Jan now lectures to women about her experiences. "It makes me so angry that the other woman can wreck your life. She sets the bomb ticking but she's not around to see the devastation.

"In America there is talk about being able to sue the adulterous party for the damage they cause.

"I can understand exactly why this idea has been put forward and I, for one, would support it."

For information on the OXSEM divorce recovery programme, ring either Rebuilding on 01773 819499 or Relate on 01865 242960 or 01295 258141. Interesting facts about divorce and marriage

Husbands and wives in their early thirties are more likely to divorce than any other combination of ages (they account for 10.3 per cent of all divorces)

Of all divorces granted to

single parties, the proportion granted to wives has continues to fall.

In 1995 the proportion of divorces granted to wives was 70 per cent, compared with 72 per cent in 1992

Fewer people are getting married these days - just over 283,000, which is 2.8 per cent less than in 1994

Divorces fell by 1.7 per cent between 1994 and 2995 (the latest statistics available)

(Issued by the Office for National Statistics)

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