George Frew explains why he's no mystic mug...

Soothsaying is a dodgy business. Anyone can prattle on about what's going to happen in 400 years' time - not least because, should their prophecies prove wide of the mark, they won't be around to listen to everyone jeering about what a load of crystal balls their predictions turned out to be.

On the other hand, confidently coming out with what's going to happen in the next 12 months or so can leave you looking like a prize prophesying pillock when it all goes pear-shaped.

Instant predictions are even more hazardous to the would-be seer. Witness the hapless Kevin Keegan during this summer's World Cup. With his unerring instinct for getting it wrong, the Permed One lurched from one shambolic prediction to another, quickly becoming known as Kevin "Nostradamus" Keegan. He was about as suited to fortune-telling as Typhoid Mary would have been to waitressing.

"There's only one team going to win this now and that's England," vouchsafed clairvoyant Kev. Er, wrong.

"Will Batty score with this penalty? Yes." Wrong again, O Great Seer.

Speaking of great seers, some think that no less an authority than Nostradamus himself predicts a slight bit of bother next year. The Third World War, to be precise.

Rubbish, says Old Moore, of Almanack fame. Instead, it'll be a year of civil wars, contained within borders.

According to Old Moore, things aren't looking too good for Russia. Perhaps Mr Yeltsin is about to lose the keys to the vodka cabinet.

Old Moore's Almanack has been around for about 300 years. Within its covers, you can find many weird and wonderful things - as well as page after page of predictions. Fancy some White Magic? Just whiz off a cheque for £10.50 to somewhere in Kent and you'll receive White Magic for Everyone, with the 24 Sacred Talismans of Futhark thrown in for free.

It sounds like good stuff, this White Magic. It seems it can cure sick dogs, prevent baldness, cause women to conceive, help you have an affair with someone and discover if anyone is deceiving you. And that's just for starters. Results are promised within 72 hours, so there's no hanging about with this gear.

Then there's Old Moore's mate, Master Kuang, who is waiting for a phone call from you. Dial the number and he'll share the Whispering Wisdom of his Chinese horoscope with you and toss in a motivational thought for the day as well.

Or you could get on the phone and ring Vincent the clairvoyant in Paris, who assures us that "absolutely no problem is too great" for him to solve, provided you cough up 15 quid. The problem I have with Vincent is that his photograph makes him look like a serial killer. However, Vincent's proposals seem quite modest alongside those of one WA Oribello, who will show you how to "tune into the cosmic mind and receive the inspiration of a genius".

We must assume that the genius in question is WAOribello himself, although he doesn't actually say so.

On the same page, a toothy and buxom blonde extols the virtues of Fulbloom Bust Beauty Treatment. Now, we are informed, it is possible to have that enchanting bustline you have always yearned for, all for the small sum of £9.95 - plus post and packaging. For the same price, you can make doubly sure of your boob improvement programme by sending off for some Fulbloom herbal tablets as well.

And how can you resist the chance to buy a copy of The Flying Roll by JJJezreel? Modestly described as "God's last message to man", this may be had for the small sum of £3. A further £2 will also get you a book of 241 hymns (without music).

JJJezreel doesn't say how the Almighty got in touch with him to pass on his message, but there you go.

Finally, I have a prediction of my own. A fool and his money are soon parted.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.