As you are no doubt aware, this is the year in which we celebrate the
county of Oxfordshire being 1,000 years old. Well, when I say 'we', I
don't mean me, as, being an economic migrant, I'm not actually an
Oxonian, although some people sometimes think I am, due to the webbing
between my fingers, although this is actually due to my being from Devon
as opposed to being native.
Quite why it is Oxfordshire's 1,000th birthday I do not know, despite
consulting the official website www.oxfordshire2007.co.uk. It all seems
a bit nebulous, to be honest. (Although the site does say, 'Oxfordshire
was a dangerous, violent place a thousand years ago ...' Still is, if
you live in Banbury, one would have thought).
But how is it, you might wonder, that you can best contribute to these
celebrations, being, largely, the simple-minded country folk you are?
Well, to those of you in the south of the county I can only say, 'Rise
up! Throw off your chains of bondage!' Why should the good yeoman folk
of Berkshire, for that is what you are, be yoked to the Oxfordshire
plough? Let the North Berkshire Liberation Front flourish! Why should
you wish to remain in the plebian Oxfordshire, when you could reclaim
your right to be part of the ROYAL County of Berkshire? Were I to have
been here in 1974, which I just about could have been despite my extreme
youth, I would have wept for the historical injustice that was about to
be wreaked upon you. A county that is believed to date back to the 800s.
Birthplace of Alfred the Great (an honour, incidentally, now claimed
spuriously by Oxfordshire). Was there ever a man more deserving of the
lamppost and piano wire treatment, than the person responsible, Ted Heath? That's not really a question that needs answering, by the way.