HELLO blogees. It's that time of week again. Sitting comfortably. No trouble with haemorrhoids (or asteroids as a bloke I used to work with called them – now that would be painful!). Excellent. Then I'll begin.
It's time to be yer modern-day Samuel Pepys once more. Talking of whom it seems this confounded diarist of the 17th century has a lot to answer for. You see, in his own way, he started this carry on around 350 years ago.
If he hadn't started writing about the plague of 1665 and the Great Fire of London, then maybe I wouldn't have to be writing this drivel now.
I wonder if in another 350 years this blog will be as famous as Pepys's diaries. Perhaps we need the Great Fire of Oxford or a plague in Minster Lovell. Not much chance of that then. But then again with Mr Bin Liner around, who knows.
Did you know in 1658, Pepys underwent a dangerous operation for the removal of a bladder stone, and evey year on the anniversary of the operation he celebrated his recovery?
I didn't. But then I don't really care. Do you care? Does anyone care? He obviously did. I wonder how he celebrated. I hope it was by getting extremely pissed, and having a curry. Did they have curry houses in London in the 1600s? I don't know. But then I don't really care. Do you care? Does anyone care?
But before we castigate Mr Pepys too much, it seems he was a bit of a lad as his dairies included revelations of infidelity. Now that's a lot more interesting than the plague and the Great Fire of London. I wonder who he was shagging. Could it have been saucy Sue from the shoe shop or naughty Nancy from the knitting shop.
This all came after he married a 15-year-old daughter of a Huguenot exile. Can't you get arrested for that sort of thing nowadays?
What's that Captain Blogmeister – I'm supposed to be writing about horseracing. OK here goes then.
Last Saturday, went to Ascot. I have an each-way punt on Poker De Sivola at 16-1 in the first. It finishes fourth. Unlucky.
I skip the next two races as there are odds-on favourites, and I can't seem them being beaten. They both get beat. Ballyfoy at 33-1 floors Boychuk and 6-1 shot Saratogane beats Fountain Crumble.
Granston, my 14-1 nap, flatters briefly before finishing unplaced in the Lincoln at Newcastle before Magic Sky brings home the each-way money by finishing third at 14-1 back at Ascot.
Bannister Lane did me a good turn at Warwick a few weeks ago, so I stick with him in the next, but he finishes down the field, before Swift Sailor rewards each-way support by finishing third in the last.
Anyway back to Samuel Pepys – I reckon he's far more interesting than my blog. Did you know he stopped writing his diary in 1669 due to fear of losing his eyesight. I didn't. But then then I don't really care. Do you care? Does anyone care?
That's strange I seem to be seeing spots in front of my eyes. Time I was off. Knew there had to be some way of getting out of writing these blasted blogs. Well done Mr Pepys!

Blewbury's tips appear daily in the Oxford Mail – it costs 35p – that's less than a fountain quill – buy it! Last week's winners included Egyptian Lord (7-1).
And fellow tipster The Whip went through the card at Lingfield on Sunday for a 16,233-1 seven-timer thanks to Dubai Twilight (2-11), Spring Goddess (5-1), Greenwood (15-2), Maltese Falcon (2-1), Art Modern (9-4), Moon Empress (9-4) and Cactus King (15-2).