Chez Gerard sounded like a bad 80s flashback when leg-warmers, Wham and deep pan pizzas were the new kids on the block. But hey, I'm not one for prejudices and once inside the French brasserie, I was ready to be surprised.

SO WERE YOU?

Yes, but for all the wrong reasons. I wanted them to bring on some great French cooking and blow me away. Sadly, the reality was more of a sigh and a whimper, than a bang, although the interior of the former Caffe Uno site was cosy enough, with lots of European businessmen in blazers and loafers enjoying long earnest lunches, and the waiting staff were lovely.

SO WHAT DID YOU HAVE?

Blinded by choice, it was hard to know what to go for — the a la carte, specials, standard menu, brunch or the two courses for £8.95 deal. But then too much choice rarely means high quality.

Look at any authentic French bistro where the 'plat du jour' is sometimes the only dish on offer, but is guaranteed to be fresh and delicious, and you'll know where I'm coming from.

We chose from the specials and the £8.95 menu, which is available from noon to 5pm — goat's cheese on French toast and an Italian salad, both of which delivered. The game was still on at this stage.

SO WHEN DID IT ALL GO WRONG?

The sighs began with the next course. The £11.50 smoked haddock torte was so salty it made us gag and was as small as a supermarket pie-for-one.

The accompanying new potatoes had an acrid, acidic taste which suggested reheating and the additional salad leaves were undressed. Only the green beans were tasty.

As for the tagine de legumes from the £8.95 deal selection — a Moroccan casserole with vegetables and chick peas served with couscous — the expected colourful, pungent, spicy dish was nowhere to be seen, but in its place was a pea green stew with as much African promise as a sandpit. The couscous was equally plain.

NOT GOOD THEN.

And yet when the waiter asked us how our meal was and we told him in no uncertain terms, he said he was sorry about that, but the bill wasn't altered, or any replacement food offered.

Time was running short by then, so we didn't bother with pudding, just ordered coffees for £4.50 and paid dispiritedly.

Chez Gerard is obviously Sans Gerard, whoever he is, or he would have been embarrassed by our food.

Salade Italienne £5.50; Smoked haddock torte £11.50; Two course lunch menu £8.95; Bottle sparkling water £2.95; Two coffees £4.50; Two sparkling waters £3; TOTAL £36.40