MAN ABOUT TOWN: Fat chance of me going on Deal Or No Deal (From Oxford Mail)

MAN ABOUT TOWN: Fat chance of me going on Deal Or No Deal

10:00am Monday 23rd April 2012 in Columns

“A quarter of a million pounds... 22 identical boxes... and just one question – Deal or No Deal?” Damn that intro. Damn Dutch TV production company Endemol for inventing the game. Damn the contestants for being so open, honest and entertaining.

And damn Noel Edmonds for just being... Noel Edmonds.

Like any addict of course, I‘m in denial – “I can stop watching it at any time”, “It’s just a harmless diversion”, “I only drool because I have an over-active salivary gland”

I hear myself repeating again and again to concerned relatives and friends. But now I’ve realised it’s not just me it’s hurting but those closest to me.

The tantrums, the mood swings, the incontinence – all of these mental and physical manifestations have taken their toll on those who care most.

Which is why I’ve decided to draw a line, to grow up, act like a man and square up to my demons...

Yes, my name is Jeremy and I AM a Deal or No Deal groupie. There, I’ve said it. And yes, I guess I do feel a bit better. But only a little.

After all, why should I be ashamed? It’s not like it’s affecting my relationships, my job, my libido (the twice daily Big Mac of the last 36 years has neatly taken care of that).

No, the only reason people now treat me like a social pariah is because I’m out and proud about it. And why shouldn’t I be? Currently, there are more than 90 different versions of the game playing around the world. I doubt even Glee or Friends can claim that.

And it brings happiness to so many people.

Admitted, there are currently 42 members of the 1p Club (those contestants who have tragically walked away with the show’s lowest cash prize) but for thousands of others it’s brought light where once there was darkness (which is why the show is also known as the ‘Dream Factory’).

But it’s not just the contestants who benefit. Audience members are called ‘pilgrims’ because of their devotion to the show and their determination to visit its studios. Indeed, as far as the quality of my life is concerned, all’s well save for one, small detail – I’ve never appeared on the show.

I’d love to, of course, and have dreamt often of taking ‘the walk of wealth’, bowing to both East and West Wings, carrying my red box and drinking from the Deal or No Deal cup. But the simple truth is I can’t.

As you know, being on television puts at least 10lb on people and I just can’t take that risk.

Having only recently managed to kick my Big Mac habit, I don’t think I could bear to watch myself... ‘inflate’.

So until the show’s producers can guarantee this visual quirk is somehow neutralized (might I suggest special lenses or extra padding for Noel), it looks like I’m either condemned to quitting this habit completely or wallowing in it. No easy choice...