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MAC THE KNIFE: Iceberg drama’s a failure – hook, line and sinker
Wake me up when it’s over. I’ll be locked in my room with my Mad Men box set, drooling over Dom Draper rather than watching that damn ship sink again.
Yes, I am talking about the Titanic, but not the true-life tragedy, which still shocks and haunts in equal measure – just its last few seconds as fictionalised 100 years later.
Callous, maybe, but I haven’t been able to open a newspaper or turn on the television without being deluged with remade TV dramas. And then to top it all, the cinemas join in by rejigging Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio, the new hook being 3D. Really?
I didn’t like it first time around. That prow scene was so sugary it made my gums tingle, and call me a cynic but all I can hear are the Hollywood tills cashing in again on other people’s original misfortunes against Celine Dion’s teeth-gritting soundtrack. Is it a coincidence that director James Cameron put the finishing touches to the movie from his expensive submarine? Kerching.
As if that wasn’t enough, the Downton Abbey crew jumped wholeheartedly on to the Titanic bandwagon, nearly sinking it in the process, with their dismal mini-series. It’s just not the same is it when you know what’s going to happen?
The reason Downton was so fantastic was a) because Dame Maggie Smith’s one-liners were so superb they could stop traffic, meaning most of us spent Sunday nights with our mouths open, wondering if we could get away with the same thing at work on Monday morning, and b) because we wanted to know whether Lady Mary and Matthew Crawley were actually going to ‘do it’.
But knowing the Downtonesque people on the ship are all going to die when it hits the iceberg rather takes the drama out of things, doesn’t it? Besides they are all so nasty to each other I can’t help thinking they deserve it. Having swerved a second episode I’ll be glad when it’s all over.
So I’ve been forced to seek solace elsewhere and have run into the opposition’s arms for comfort, man-boobs or not. Yes I’m talking about Britain’s Got Talent and its gifted new line-up with David Walliams, who is taking on Goliath and winning, because rather than shooting at him with a large catapult, he’s tickling him to death.
Anyone who saw the pair, (we’re talking Simon Cowell here) on Jonathan Ross will know how hilarious David is with Simon, and how Simon is inadvertently rather enjoying himself, despite being taunted about his man-boobs, the ‘work he’s had done’, questioned about when he’s going to ‘come out’ and asked to shut up on several occasions. It makes for fascinating viewing. Like a mouse pushed into a cage for dinner, the tiger is enjoying the performance, so far.
So while David’s bailing out one sinking ship, we can all sleep easy knowing that, as a competent swimmer, he will survive. In the meantime, I hope the original Titanic will be allowed to finally slip beneath the waves.