MAN ABOUT TOWN: Yawning Gap in my fashion sense (From Oxford Mail)

MAN ABOUT TOWN: Yawning Gap in my fashion sense

10:00am Monday 6th February 2012 in Columns By Jeremy Smith

You would think it would be easy. Or at least I thought it would all be over in 60 seconds. But like coffee, nothing’s straightforward anymore.

Just as Nescafe has been replaced by the skinny de-caf, so too has the unremarkable denim jean been replaced by the frippery of the following:

SUPER SKINNY: Sits low on waist. Skinny through leg. Skinny leg opening

SKINNY: Sits low on waist. Slim through the leg. Slim leg opening

DROP CROTCH SKINNY: Sits low on waist with a drop crotch. Slim through the leg. Tapered leg opening

SLOUCHY SLIM: Sits low on waist with longer slouchy rise. Straight through the leg. Slim leg opening.

STRAIGHT: Sits low on waist. Straight through the leg. Straight leg opening

SLIM BOOT: Sits low on waist. Slim through the leg. Slim boot leg opening

BOOT: Sits low on waist. Straight through the leg. Boot cut leg opening

EASY: Sits just below the waist. Relaxed through the leg. Straight leg opening

LOOSE: Sits just below the waist. Loose through the leg. Straight leg opening

STANDARD: Sits just below the waist. Slightly relaxed through the leg. Straight leg opening All I wanted to buy was a pair of regular, ordinary-joe jeans.

Too much to ask? I didn’t think so either. But trying to spend my £30 Christmas Gap voucher proved... well, intimidating.

For a start, everyone in the Cornmarket Street store looks like a model for dental hygiene. And secondly, and more damning too, they’re friendly.

I wouldn’t have hesitated for a moment to mobilise every one of them to suit-and-boot me if they had demonstrated just a wisp of smugness. But they didn’t.

And I can never forgive them for that, because instead of feeling self-righteous (and trust me, 24/7, it’s a huge responsibility) I felt helpless.

I have no idea what a ‘Skinny’ is, let alone a ‘Drop Crotch’, and that’s not their fault, it’s mine.

But I needed time. I just wanted to sit them down, pour a glass of prosecco and say: “Look, I’ve just mastered the whole iTunes, iPod thing, and yeah, I feel pretty smug about it, but all these categories of jeans, it’s overwhelming. I just want to look like two-thirds of my life isn’t over without mirroring 50-somethings who feel the need to wear three-quarter length trousers in order to look, well, hell, why don’t I just come out and say it... virile.”

But I couldn’t do it.

I walked out feeling inadequate and impotent, easy prey for those cheery charity ‘chuggers’ who only want a minute (consequently, I now support a number of fashion victims in Romford).

But I will say this for Gap – had I been looking for a £40-plus hoodie, then it would have been a different story.