Q: My husband has recently left me, and wants to come back and help out with the children, when it suits him. It started off okay, but it’s now really getting on my nerves. I’ve tried to tell him that it’s not working but he won’t listen. He’s also criticising me in front of the children and undermining me, and yesterday he pushed me out of the kitchen, saying it was his ‘turn’ to sort the children’s tea out. I wasn’t hurt, but it did shake me. Can I change the locks to prevent him from coming back, whilst we try and sort out longer-term arrangements?

A: It sounds like you need some legal advice, to be honest. You don’t say whether you own or rent your house or whether it is in joint names, so I will assume that you either jointly own the property, or that it is rented and in joint names. Either way, this means that you both have the right to remain in the property, so legally speaking, you cannot prevent your husband from returning to the house unless you have a really good reason, ie. that your safety or the safety of the children requires this.

You say that your husband pushed you out of the kitchen last night, and that he also undermines and criticises you. Have there been any other incidents? If there have been, or if matters get worse, then you may have grounds to apply for for a non-molestation order, but I think it’s fair to say that at this moment, you probably don’t have sufficient grounds. But if things continue along this line or get worse, then that might well be an option.

Even if the house is just in your name, the fact that you are husband and wife may mean that your husband has acquired matrimonial rights to remain in the house or continue to have access to it. Either way you need to get some advice about this.

Based upon the limited information you have given me, I would not advise you to change the locks. Apart from anything else, not only do you not seem to have the grounds to, but I think it would be seen as an incredibly hostile step, and could set a tone, which it would then be very hard to back down from. I suspect it would make matters a whole lot worse for you.

My advice at this stage is to think about explaining to your husband how this is affecting you and the children, and to try to agree some parameters for his time with the children. Think about how it is making them feel, and try not to involve them in the difficulties between you and your husband. You do not say how long you have been separated or how old your children are, but you can bet your children are picking up on the tension and difficulties between you both, as well as how distressed and angry you both might be. It is not their dispute, and it is important to try to keep things calm and incident-free for them.

If being in the house at the same time as your husband distresses you, it might be better to arrange for him to come at a time when you can make yourself absent.

Think about either taking some legal advice and perhaps getting a solicitors’ letter sent him, or better still, think about whether family mediation might be a way of trying to discuss and agree these issues, and hopefully reach an agreement. I think you need to try to agree what is going to happen in the next few weeks/months, whilst the separation is new, and then move on to look at longer-term decisions. Don’t try to rush things, as these are big decisions. But the immediate issues clearly need looking at, as they are not working for you, and you can bet they are not working for your husband either.

One of the things you may want to consider is how you tell your children what has happened. You have not said how old they are, but it is better if you can, to try to reach agreement about how and what they will be told, and if possible, to sit down together and tell them. Family mediation can assist in helping you decide and agree about how to go about this.

* Ruth Hawkins is a family law specialist & partner with Turpin Miller