A letter arrives at the Back 4 bunker from top public relations firm Weber Shandwick. Finally our talent has been recognised; megabucks new job here we come. We celebrate by getting even drunker in work than normal, roundly insulting our so-called "colleagues" and urinating on the sports editor's desk.

Alas, upon finally opening the letter some time later, we realise it is not a lucrative deal but a missive from Charlie Mann, the man with the hardest job in Scottish football (after Aberdeen FC's Fake Bake Applicator).

Vladimir Romanov's spin-doctor-in-chief is writing to clear up something that must have been irritating the Hearts owner: the misapprehension that Romanov also owns FBK Kaunas, Rangers' likely opponents in Champions League qualifying.

"FBK Kaunas is an independent, public sports and physical education association," we read, wondering if the sports editor will take our little jape in good humour. "The Club is not an incorporated company, so it is not owned by anybody ... While Mr Romanov is the main shareholder and President of UAB Ukio Bankas Investment Group (UBIG) and one of the biggest shareholders of AB Ukio Bankas - two of the companies that are sponsors of the FBK Kaunas - Mr Romanov does NOT own FBK Kaunas."

Well, in the interest of clarity (and getting our job back) we are happy to clear that up. It must just be coincidence that (at the last count) 11 Kaunas players were on loan at Hearts. BRAZIL NUTS The Pan American Games began in Rio De Janeiro on Saturday, with more of a whimper than a bang.

Brazil believe that if the Games - the biggest sporting event they have hosted - are a success, they will be strong contenders to host the 2014 World Cup and 2016 Olympics.

Unfortunate, then, that day one saw two baseball games postponed after all the lights went out at the new stadium. Over at another new venue, more problems led to the delay of television coverage of the men's gymnastics.

Security was so strict for the opening ceremony at the Maracana that many fans couldn't get into the newly renovated stadium in time. The ceremony began late with many seats empty, and hundreds of fans still queuing outside. Brazil president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva was jeered every time his name was mentioned and beat a hasty retreat without giving a scheduled speech to officially open the games.

Elsewhere, fans staged a protest about not being able to buy food at concession stalls and mountain bikers were scared to practise because of the alarming lack of paramedics at the site.

Oh well. Still sounds safer and better than Beijing 2008 or South Africa 2010. HENKE'S PENSION Henrik Larsson, the Celtic Legend, received Swedish Crown Princess Victoria's annual stipend on her 30th birthday on Saturday. The prize has been awarded to prominent athletes since 1979, when alpine skier Ingemar Stenmark was honoured.

It would be churlish to point out that as a multi-millionaire, Larsson hardly needs an annual stipend. Which is why we just did. VA VA VOOM Gentelman, sporting hero and all-round decent guy Thierry Henry featured in several tabloids yesterday. According to "a friend of the couple" the thoroughly top bloke has walked out on his missus and two-year-old daughter, telling her he "couldn't care less" about their four-year marriage. Splendid.* It may have escaped your notice, as it did ours, that the American Football World Cup has been on. Remarkably, minnows America won the crown yesterday, beating famous American football nation Japan. * Back 4's rather over-the-top exuberant joy at this piece of tittle-tattle may or may not have something to do with the fact that they are Tottenham and Chelsea supporters.