Too many Cooks
ROBIN Cook (below), Best Scot at Westminster in the Scottish Politician of the Year Awards, says that after he quit the government over the Iraq war he was stopped by a tramp who told him: ''You were right to resign,'' before adding the more perplexing: ''You should do it more often.''
Robin reckons, though, that Tony Blair is unlikely to give him the opportunity to do it again.
Buy word
MARGO MacDonald, campaigner of the year in the politician awards, could not attend the awards bash as she has been in hospital for three weeks - but that hasn't stopped her campaigning zeal. Her former SNP colleague Alex Neil says that Margo is disgruntled that she can't get the QVC shopping channel on the hospital telly and is campaigning to have it installed in time to do her Christmas shopping.
Screen saver
WE mentioned the turning of the former Grosvenor cinema in Glasgow's west end into a giant bar, with a tiny cinema installed in the basement. Emma, a former usherette at the Grosvenor in its days of fading grandeur recalls: ''One regular customer we knew fondly as 'Permanent Period', in recognition of her glowing and cheerful personality. She regularly stormed in with her meek, moustachioed husband and three teenage children to see whatever took her fancy, regardless of the discrepancy between the kids' biological ages and the certificate of the film. Eventually, our manager pleasantly informed her that as her children had all sprouted from being under-15 last week to over-18 this week, they could all permanently pay adult price from now on. Funnily enough, she never came in after that.''
Drink your health
A FEMALE reader in Ayrshire attending her local hospital with cystitis was discussing the problem with the woman sitting next to her who had a similar complaint. So, our reader mentions to her that she had been told cranberry juice was good for what ailed them. After a long pause the woman asked her: ''Do you drink it or apply it?''
Party politics
RESEARCH published today into the Scottish Parliamentary elections in May interviewed voters on their feelings about the democratic process. The survey explains: ''Some people are simply unable to make it to the voting station, being the victim of various circumstances that may or may not be of their own making.'' It then gives as an example: a Glaswegian in the 25-to-34 age bracket who told them: ''I intended to vote, but I was p**sed.''
l The GP on the Orkney island of Eday is one Dr Louise Fortune. This allows the locals to make various soulful remarks to neighbours along the lines of: ''Yes, I've been visited by Miss Fortune in recent weeks.''
Green man
SNP MSP Jim Mather (pictured) was delighted to be nominated in the best politician section in the Green Energy Awards and fired off a press release wittering on about how he had focused attention in the Scottish Parliament on the need to promote research and investment in renewable energy, which is the reason for his nomintation. However, our attention is drawn to the Lochaber Lines column in the Oban Times, which might be nearer the truth. It tells us: ''Jim's credentials are far superior to those of his fellow contenders. We doubt if they have helped to save the planet with an environmentally friendly, 60-mile round trip by bicycle from Roshven to Kilchoan to attend a Calum Kennedy ceilidh.''
l Further inappropriate telephone music. Fiona Hannay had called the BT Broadband call centre, and while waiting for a ''customer services agent'' heard Elton John singing in the background: ''I think it's going to be a long, long time.''
Word's out
A POSTSCRIPT to the Celtic Bayern Munich game where two fans from Ayrshire at the last minute secured tickets - but they were for the small section set aside for Bayern supporters. So, carefully not wearing anything green, which might give them away, they approach the turnstiles. However, an alert security chap sensed that all may not be well, and asked the first lad where he was from. He gave a puzzled look, shrugged his shoulders, and spoke gibberish in a guttural accent which he hoped was a close enough approximation of German. Sadly his pal, clearly not a fan of the film The Great Escape, was asked a similar question and replied: ''Saltcoats. Why?'' Fan
No 2, we are told, ended up watching the game in a nearby pub.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article