Expect a telling-off

CHIRPY Radio Clyde DJ Suzie McGuire (below) hosted a charity fashion show for Sense in Glasgow, attended by Sense's patron, Princess Anne.

Among those striding the catwalk was Rangers player Peter Lovenkrands - no, he didn't fall over once - in a natty charcoal kilt which Suzie particularly admired. Afterwards, when Suzie was introduced to the Princess Royal, the princess smilingly pointed to Suzie's stomach - she is with child for

five months now - and gently pointed out that surely it wasn't right that a woman in her condition should be flirting with a football player.

And, no, the princess didn't suggest that if it was a rugby player then that would be a different matter.

What a nutter

BUT, speaking of rugby, former England player Phil de Granville was telling a dinner in Edinburgh before the Calcutta Cup that former England captain Martin Johnson always lived life on

the edge - the night before

every match Johnson, who

has a nut allergy says Phil,

would play Russian roulette

with a bag of Revels.

Uplifting

EX-Brookie and Corrie actor Sam Kane - a hairdresser and a paedophile respectively in soapland, apparently - will stride the stage at Glasgow's King's Theatre next month as loveable rogue Billy Bigelow in Carousel. When Sam last appeared in Scotland, in Edinburgh, he decided to buy a kilt as his father's family is Scottish. While trying on said item in a famous Edinburgh kiltshop he was approached by a winsome female fan who said: ''It's Sam Kane isn't it?'' And seeing the apparel, she asked: ''Are you Scottish?''

Without a word, Sam merely turned round to her and slowly lifted his kilt. Her heart, we hear, is still beating furiously.

The latest snooze

OUR story about commentators Rob Maclean and Chick Young being forced to share a bed in Cardiff due to overbooking reminded one BBC stalwart that this was not the first time it has happened to the corporation's finest. He tells us: ''During the World Cup in Argentina, after the thrilling Scotland clash with Holland in Mendoza, the BBC staff made it back to the hotel where rooms had been booked. Unfortunately, there were not enough to go round.

''Sports editor Malcolm Kellard offered to share his with Archie Macpherson. The offer was accepted and after a few drinks in the bar they retired to the room and were horrified to discover it had only one double bed. Malcolm was into bed first and, after Archie had stripped down to his Y-fronts, he got into his side. The story was later told that Archie asked: 'Do you move around much during

the night, Malcolm?' to which Malcolm, sharp as ever, replied: 'Only if you want me to'.''

Ah, the good old days.

A pounding

OUR man at the Scottish Parliament tells us that the Equal Opportunities Commission Scotland were always seen as a humourless bunch, but now he is not so sure. The EOC is holding a fringe meeting at the Labour conference in Inverness entitled ''Does Local Government Have to be Pale, Male and Stale?'' Then, without comment, it adds: ''Key speaker: Andy Kerr, minister for finance.''

'''Nuff said,'' says our Holyrood man.

l Daft shop names? S Beck of Newton Mearns tells us: ''There was a greengrocer's in Nitshill called Tattie Buys. Unfortunately, this name has proved appropriate in more ways than one as the business disappeared a year or

so ago.''

Knowing the score

READER Richard Joss tells us he was on the same easyJet flight as the Glasgow Rugby side when they headed south for their match against the Swansea Blues the other week.

He overheard scrum half Graham Beveridge telling the other lads, as he read a bloke's magazine, that six guys on a reality show had been given $125,000 compensation for the humiliation of unwittingly chatting up and kissing girls who turned out to be, what is known in the entertainment world as, ladyboys.

The player then opined that he could suffer total humiliation for $125,000. At that, claims Richard, coach Sean Lineen leaned across the aisle and told Beveridge: ''Bevvy. We suffer that every week.''

In the pipeline

A STORY to sum up life in Scotland, says a reader. A chap in Glasgow receives a call from the hospital. It is to tell him that he can't have an appointment for a scan until August 23, 2006.

''Will that be morning or afternoon?'' he asks politely. ''Do you really need to know just now?'' asks the receptionist.

''Well, it's just that I've got the plumber coming in the morning,'' he told her.