“I woke up on New Year’s Day,” he told them, “and didn’t have a clue who I was.”
Strip tease
A PAISLEY reader was in the queue at the supermarket behind an old fellow who was having trouble fitting his credit card the correct way into the machine on the counter. Eventually the exasperated check-out lady told him: “Strip facing me.”
“Best offer I’ve had for years,” the senior chap replied.
Horsing around
THE snow has, of course, hit sports hard. Nigel Robson tells us Haddington Rugby Club solved the problem of being unable to train outdoors by using an indoor equestrian centre in Midlothian. Says Nigel: “However, it has its hazards. One burly fellow was heard complaining to other customers in his local pub that after sprawling full length on the artificial surface he’d risen to his feet to discover he was covered in horse manure.”
No smoke …
A NURSE coming off duty from a major Glasgow hospital tells us that a patient was admitted yesterday with chest pains. When he was asked if he smoked, he replied that he had given up recently. When asked how long ago, he told them: “Half an hour.”
Discount discontent
A BEARSDEN reader visiting her son in America tells us they visited a small town that had a museum displaying intricately-worked quilts.
When she asked at the ticket desk if there was a discount for pensioners, she was told: “I’m sorry, no. This is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers.”
Don’t count on it
IN America, the Census Bureau this week started a $300m campaign to cajole the nation into filling out the once-a-decade census forms which will be mailed to about 120 million households in March.
The story is told that a census official 10 years ago arrived at a house where a form had not been returned. When the householder asked what it was for, the official said they wanted to know how many people lived in the country. “You’d be better trying somewhere else,” the householder replied. “I haven’t a clue.”
Singular attitude
“MY four brothers and I grew up in a council house with only two bedrooms,” declared the loudmouth in the bar the other night.
“I didn’t know what it was like to sleep in a bed alone until I got married,” he added.
All shook up
A DISGRUNTLED reader reinvents an old gag by asking: “What’s the difference between gritting lorries and Elvis?”
The answer being of course:
“There have been more sightings of Elvis recently.”
You can contact the Diary here
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article