“I woke up on New Year’s Day,” he told them, “and didn’t have a clue who I was.”

 

 

Strip tease

A PAISLEY reader was in the queue at the supermarket behind an old fellow who was having trouble fitting his credit card the correct way into the machine on the counter. Eventually the exasperated check-out lady told him: “Strip facing me.”

“Best offer I’ve had for years,” the senior chap replied.

 

 

Horsing around

THE snow has, of course, hit sports hard. Nigel Robson tells us Haddington Rugby Club solved the problem of being unable to train outdoors by using an indoor equestrian centre in Midlothian. Says Nigel: “However, it has its hazards. One burly fellow was heard complaining to other customers in his local pub that after sprawling full length on the artificial surface he’d risen to his feet to discover he was covered in horse manure.”

 

 

No smoke …

A NURSE coming off duty from a major Glasgow hospital tells us that a patient was admitted yesterday with chest pains. When he was asked if he smoked, he replied that he had given up recently. When asked how long ago, he told them: “Half an hour.”

 

 

Discount discontent

A BEARSDEN reader visiting her son in America tells us they visited a small town that had a museum displaying intricately-worked quilts.

When she asked at the ticket desk if there was a discount for pensioners, she was told: “I’m sorry, no. This is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers.”

 

 

Don’t count on it

IN America, the Census Bureau this week started a $300m campaign to cajole the nation into filling out the once-a-decade census forms which will be mailed to about 120 million households in March.

The story is told that a census official 10 years ago arrived at a house where a form had not been returned. When the householder asked what it was for, the official said they wanted to know how many people lived in the country. “You’d be better trying somewhere else,” the householder replied. “I haven’t a clue.”

 

 

Singular attitude

“MY four brothers and I grew up in a council house with only two bedrooms,” declared the loudmouth in the bar the other night.

“I didn’t know what it was like to sleep in a bed alone until I got married,” he added.

 

 

All shook up

A DISGRUNTLED reader reinvents an old gag by asking: “What’s the difference between gritting lorries and Elvis?”

The answer being of course:

“There have been more sightings of Elvis recently.”

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