Gort! Keanu barada nikto! (From Oxford Mail)

Remake crazy

8:40am Thursday 18th December 2008

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With the imminent release of yet another pointless re-make (The clue’s in the title) I thought it would be fun to compile a list of the worst possible future re-makes. (Note to any Hollywood producer reading this, it’s just a joke.)

1. Some like it Hot, starring Marlon Wayans and Eddie Murphy

With their propensity for wearing staggeringly unfunny latex body suits and adopting a menagerie of incomprehensible accents, Wayne and Murphy are the perfect choice to ruin this perennial classic. Hide your head in shame as they court Paris Hilton with witty one liner’s about‘coming through the back entrance’ and cover your ears during their rap version of ‘Runnin’ wild’.

2. Brief Encounter, starring Russell Crowe & Angelina Jolie. Directed by Ridley Scott.

Gone are the restrained performances and repressed sexual longing, replaced by back-lit rail crashes, smoke obscured fornication and violent outbursts at the ticket office. Add a soundtrack by Nine Inch Nails and you have a winner.

3. Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer, starring Jack Black. Directed by Ben Stiller

Imagine the hilarity of watching loveable goof-ball Black trying to decapitate Vince Vaughn with an obviously blunt instrument. Chuckle as his portly frame slips around in viscera, a severed hand comically placed on his shoulder. You really will die laughing.

4. 2001 A Space Odyssey, directed by George Lucas

Forget men in suits, this starts with photo-realistic CGI apes, voiced by Ahmed Best. The spaceships whizz past at light speed and HAL is re-imagined as a bumbling android with a Jamaican accent. The enigmatic ending is jettisoned in favour of an enormous battle on Mars between alien foetuses and Leonard Rossiter clones.

5. The Odd Couple, starring Sean Penn and Tommy Lee Jones

What better pairing than these two natural comedians. Put them in a cluttered apartment, add some enforced domesticity, a little alcohol and you have comedy gold. Tommy Lee in an apron is worth the price of admission alone.

6. The Wizard of Oz, starring Johnny Depp (as everyone). Directed by Tim Burton.

At last Depp gets the role(s) he’s been waiting for. Wistful Kansas teenager, cowardly lion, tin man, scarecrow,witch, flying monkey, wizard… Coupled with Burton’s unique (If you’re a fifteen year old Bad Charlotte fan) vision, this will be the cinematic event of the week. When Depp starts singing ‘Somewhere over the rainbow’, in those ruby red slippers, there won’t be a dry eye in the house.

To be continued…or perhaps rewritten.