AS a cycle retailer I get no end of sales spiel about the latest new cycling gadget. Be it by phone, email, in person and even from friends and family – if it’s new and cycle-related you can bet I have heard about it.

It is rare that my attention is drawn to a new item unless it fundamentally changes our cycling life for the better. You are probably reading this thinking I’ve stumbled across a new innovation that will change our lives for the better. No, I am writing this after laughing very hard from the honest and frank user reviews and funny videos of some of the new gadgets the last couple of years have brought the cycling community.

Firstly there was the CCTV video that captured the moment the newest style of inflatable helmet went off accidentally on the poor unsuspecting cyclist in the foyer of a hip office. As he innocently puts his jacket on, the airbag for your head explodes in the hope of saving his life – unfortunately for him it nearly scares him to death. Then there is the new Blaze Laserlight that projects a little green cycle emblem six metres in front of you, to warn cars and even pedestrians you are coming. The usual user reviews on the websites selling it are positive.

However, the “other” reviews I stumbled upon on the internet all describe with humour and satisfaction the confusion caused to those around them as they project a green laser out the front of their bikes. You too can have such fun if you use the Boris bikes as they have just been installed on all 11,500 of them.

But my favourite cycle fails of the last century all involve our obsession over the weight of our bicycles. As carbon bikes and accessories dominate the market the broken carbon stories continue to pile up. Even my lovely husband nearly lost an important part of his male anatomy as his ultralight carbon seat post snapped mid-jump as he was careering down a mountain bike track. Luckily for us he is still in one piece. Google ‘broken carbon’: the aerowheel fails mid-sprint are quite amusing.

Believe me, all these items are only the tip of the iceberg. There are flower pots and wine carriers for your frame, umbrellas for handlebars and even a vibrating saddle for those kinkier cyclists. But already being seen on bikes everywhere is the ludicrous roll-up mudguard – because you never know when you “won’t” need it – and the bike- mounted speakers for those cyclists who want to drown out the noise of the traffic you really should be paying attention to.

I once brought a clock for my bike, because looking at my wristwatch is obviously too taxing when I’m cycling.

Safety items, luggage solutions and maintenance stuff are all we need and although they get some design innovations they should fundamentally remain the same. You wouldn’t reinvent the wheel would you? But if you do, don’t expect me not to laugh.