RUN any kind of business in the modern world and people will tell you “go on Twitter.”

This is a website, used by about 300 million people. You can plug your products – and reveal the intimate details of your personal life to strangers.

Using no more than 140 letters and spaces at a time, users “tweet”. 

One of my colleagues has started to become as cynical as I am about the use of this new ‘platform’.

My twitter train may soon turn up. But I’m not going to be on it – I’m going to be under it.

I signed up some years back and I’ve made the occasional effort to get with the times.

Experts advise small business to tweet between five and 20 times a day.

They claim the “life cycle” of a tweet is about 15 minutes, so you have to keep at it.

Additionally, they report the secret of success is to promote your services 10 per cent of the time, and spend the other 90 chatting up the public.

So here I am again slumped at my desk, gawping at the wall, wondering what on earth I’m going to tweet about next.

I stare into space for some time before noticing a photograph of Winston Churchill on the cover of nearby magazine.

I bend over the keyboard and begin to type: “Doesn’t Winston Churchill look nice today.”

Cyberspace fails to go mad. I go downstairs and make a cup of coffee.

On my return I check my bank balance and it confirms my worst fear – I’m going to have to send another tweet.

I stare into space again, grasping at straws.

I look out of the window. I stare at the floor. I have absolutely nothing to say.

Until, that is, my line of sight strikes the records on a nearby shelf.

Like a mirage in the Sahara there it is – Bruce Springsteen’s 1985 LP Born In The USA.

The discovery sends my fingers spinning across the keys like rats deserting a sinking ship.

“Yeah man!” I type. “Been dancing around to Bruce Springsteen since dawn! Sounds as great as ever!”

Naturally I’ve been doing nothing of the sort. I’m exhausted and my coffee has gone cold.

Furthermore, I doubt his record has left its sleeve since the heyday of John McEnroe. “Lol” someone eventually tweets back, “Me too – love a bit of Bruce!”

Another technique popular with businesses on Twitter use is to ask an engaging question.

Something along the lines of “Hey pop pickers, how are you today?”

“How am I today?” I might choke, “l feel dreadful. Haven’t sold a thing for months, bills are piling up. Just hired a marketing consultant. Told me to tweet about the cat.”

He also told me Twitter is dangerously addictive. I think I’m pretty safe.