It’s the sixth time I’ve seen him live on stage. No, I’m not talking about Johnny Rotten, Ozzy Osbourne, Dizzie Rascal or any of that lot. I’m talking about the real deal. The legend known to generations of children as Sooty.

My children, who are escorting me to the theatre today, are not part of those generations. They’ve have never heard of him.

But the moment he takes the stage and starts smashing grown-ups with his magic wand they’re entranced. Sooty is as brilliant as ever.

Unsurprisingly it’s also his birthday. You have to hand it to a bear who has been five years old since 1948. Many people I know have pretended to be 39 for about a decade before giving up completely.

Sooty is stronger than them. And so is Sweep, a small dog with floppy ears. While Sooty bangs his drum kit, Sweep plays tenor saxophone. It’s all ruined when a small Panda called Soo joins the action. She promptly launches into what I’ll flatteringly describe as a Prog Rock solo.

You might remember Soo from when you switched off your TV set. She’s the one who speaks. She’s been nagging Sooty since 1964. According to Wikipedia, Soo used to be Sooty’s girlfriend but has now changed to being “moody and rather stroppy”. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it boys and girls?

Soo quips nastily about flogging binoculars to the people in the cheap seats at the back, which undermines the entire audience. She moans about her outfit. She never gets jokes. I tell you honestly, Soo is the sort of malevolent middle class Panda who would turn your office environment into a living hell. All of which serves to make Sooty and Sweep even more clapworthy. And have us all cheering for more. The man with his hand up Sooty nowadays is Richard Cadell. He bounds on stage like a brilliantly deranged holiday camp host. He fires enormous water guns at us, on Sooty’s command. We howl with fear. Cadell forces grown men to dance to “Heads, Shoulders Knees and Toes”. And no-one escapes to the bar. Because it’s 11am.

What the children don’t know is that Richard Cadell isn’t just hugely entertaining. He’s the Jay-Z of the puppet world, having bought out the entire Sooty Empire while also running the largest free admission theme park in England. The guy on stage with flour in his face has a new worth estimated at around £8m. I’m impressed. Rarely can a man worth so much make me smile even a little.

It says something about Sooty that this is the first time my son sits and watches live theatre without once asking me change the channel.

Sooty is still on ITV in the afternoon. Should you ever pull a sickie and find your hours compatible with his then make sure you pay your respects.

Sooty, I salute you. Happy birthday, again.