I am, without question, one of the most dirty, disgusting, lice-riddled individuals anyone could ever have the misfortune to meet, and if I were you, a person you’d do well to avoid...

Am I trying to be funny?

God no, because I take the question of hygiene – or rather my lack of it – very seriously.

A few days back it’s true, I did misguidedly believe that my levels of personal hygiene were more than adequate.

I did wash my hands after visiting the toilet, I did use a tissue to blow my nose (remember: catch it, bin it, kill it), I did use two different chopping boards at home for preparing meat and veg.

But then last Tuesday I realised all my efforts had been in vain.

Despite priding myself on the belief that if I should suffer some trauma during the course of my week, my underwear would at least be pristine clean (Tip: always wear black), it was brought to my attention that I had in fact grossly overlooked that most fundamental of hygiene must-haves: the hands-free soap dispenser.

Of course, in hindsight, it’s easy now to offer up a toilet bowl of credible excuses as to why, day in, day out, I had shaken hands across Oxfordshire without so much as a thought for the plagues I might be passing on.

Free-loading here, gravy-training there, it was inevitable I guess that in my heady world of frivolous freebies and easy thrills, I would fall victim to my own empty sense of disinfected self-righteousness.

It’s just... oh hell, why make excuses? I never believed I might become ‘dirty’.

But now I have, and aired this dirty laundry too, I can at least begin to rebuild my life.

And while the person who broke her silence on my slovenliness may not believe this, I am in fact truly grateful to her for opening my eyes to the miracle of the Dettol No-Touch Hand Wash System – “Never Touch A Germy Soap Pump Again”.

Yes, I have now seen it advertised on telly, and yes, I’ll admit, I had never realised that my soap pump could harbour hundreds of bacteria. But as Dettol makes clear: “Hands may come into contact with millions of germs every day. Have you ever thought about those germs ending up on your soap pump?”

Phew... No, I hadn’t. But I do now, and I’m a believer.

Out has gone the bar of month-old Simple soap and slightly soiled hand towel, and in has come the Dettol dispenser, the waxy yellow bio-suits (hung on the back of the bathroom door) and an air recycling system similar to that used by the US Centre for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta.

In short, I’m a changed man.

So fear not, should we now bump into each other, either on the street or in Debenhams, you can rest assured that my bacteria body count will be minimal.

And as for my oxygen mask, I think it adds character, frankly.