You’re lucky to be reading this because until yesterday, I could barely type. In the pursuit of questionable beauty I visited Strand on New Inn Hall Street, Oxford to have gel nails applied.

You know, the ridiculously long ones, currently being sported by the likes of Rihanna, Freddy Krueger and Beyoncé.

They veer dangerously close to making me look like an extra from a Rocky Horror Sweet Transvestite rendition.

As someone not blessed with Tim Curry’s cheekbones, and who quite enjoys the practical use of her hands, I presumed my chances of conversion to fake nails were pretty slim.

Would you like rounded, pointed or squared? Kitti Konkoly asked as I ordered, ‘the longest you do’. After glancing at the terrifying image of needle shaped talons on the wall above her, I decided square might do nicely – squared tips could come in useful, I naively imagined; they could act as mini spades, scraping out face cream, and such.

Few women opt for the longest gel or acrylic nail – most choosing a more sensible length. However, even in Oxford lots of young girls are opting for a longer look, and apparently in Europe it’s quite normal.

“They’re very popular in Hungary”, Kitti informed me, who moved to the UK from Hungary last year.

“With ladies who do very little?”, I guessed. “Exactly – either young girls who don’t yet work, or rich married women.”

The whole process took 90 minutes (prices range from £18 to £33) and it was fascinating to watch Kitti find the correct size tip, mould it onto my natural nail with an electronic file and gel. She then placed my hands under a UV light in order to set the gel over my entire nail (including the tip) before filing the whole nail flush.

After an hour, I had talons measuring roughly an inch over my nail.

Colouring them red, and painting pretty designs on them was the final touch. I’ll admit it, there was a tiny part of me that enjoyed my new Cruella De Vil look; I asked for black and white designs to really celebrate this point.

I found myself wanting to run outside, and find a cute puppy to threaten. Grrrr.

Though, I’m not sure if that’s the look women are going for when they have these extensions. It’s ironic really; the nails considerably lengthened my fingers, while simultaneously rendering them completely useless: I couldn’t pick up a pound coin. I couldn’t open my lunch (which is useful if you want the authentic pop star, stick-thin look), and I couldn’t (horror of horrors) use my mobile phone.

There was an embarrassing moment in Pret a Manger on Cornmarket when I couldn’t key in my PIN.

After a few seconds of judgmental silence (where I imagine the lady behind the counter was rather smugly thinking ‘Get her. All nails, no common sense’) I managed to palm-mash the keypad with enough finesse to enter my code and scuttle from the shop.

For a party, or fancy dress, I can certainly see the nails’ allure – a word of advice though: get ready for the party, then have these applied. You will not be in a position to zip up your dress or even fluff your hair, once these babies go on.

Also, either don’t drink a drop all night, or cross your legs firmly: toilets breaks are not encouraged.

The whole experience was fun, but it does question why women want something attached to their hands, rendering them utterly useless.

While I was in the salon, a lady came in, enquiring about acrylic nails for her toes. She had normal length nails, from what I could see in her sandals, so I wonder how much longer she wanted them. And for goodness sake, why?

When I revisited the salon, Kitti was only too pleased to trim and file my nails down to a manageable (and far more natural-looking) length. This worked better. I could text my friends. I could (sort of) type on my laptop. I could even go to the loo without fear of doing myself a serious misdemeanour.

To be fair, most ladies who visit the salon choose Shellac – no glued fake nail required, but an overlay of gel is applied to your natural nail, keeping its varnish colour perfect, and untouchable for a couple of weeks. I’ve had that applied myself in the past, and loved it – mainly due to my inherent laziness. However, after all this, although I find them fun, I do prefer Natural. I felt too ‘done’. Too primped and preened. Too ‘ladies-who-lunch’ (with great difficulty).