Air travel. I loathe it. The only good thing about air travel is that it means you’re going somewhere.

The bad thing about air travel is that it means you’re travelling by air to get there.

I remember my first time in the air – it was a flight to Spain. I was aged 10 and hadn’t yet developed any fear around the whole escapade.

It would be a few more years before I was allowed to watch Air Crash Investigation TV shows, and nearly a decade before 9/11.

Aged 10, I found the whole experience akin to a slightly prolonged rollercoaster ride, with only a touch of eardrum-popping pain at the very end. I loved it.

But it would be another decade before I flew again and by then I was old enough to hate the smell of other people, the disgusting state of toilets and I knew only too well what planes looked like on impact.

Last week, three planes had to be landed prematurely due to passenger debacles.

On board one flight, a passenger locked the chair recline facility on the passenger’s seat in front of them. We’ve all been there – we’ve all secretly wanted to do this.

I’ve been on flights when the moment that food is pushed down the aisle, the chair in front immediately goes into horizontal mode. My dinner tray ends up pointing at the floor. I then spend the next fifteen minutes trying to stop my yoghurt sliding into my neighbour’s lap, while intermittently huffing loudly.

The truth is that the only ideal in-flight situation would be if everyone else’s chair could be locked upright permanently, while I recline any which way I please. Mind you, if we’re on the subject of ideal flights, there would of course be no other passengers. Just me, my full choice of films and champagne. In fact, there’d be no need for reclining seats because I’d have an armchair for reading in, a table for eating at and a whole bed to myself.

There would be an en-suite, in which there would not be a flip-open bin. And there would absolutely not be any chance of crashing, ever. No such thing as potential hijackers, and never any turbulence. It could extend further – the departure lounge would actually be like my actual lounge, with comfortable seats ready for a delay which – of course – never happens. I really loathe air travel. But I do so adore travel. Let’s bring back ocean liners crossing the Atlantic as a routine – and non-expensive form of transport. Though without icebergs.

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