Unhappy with your lot in the breast department? Have no fear – your aubergine is here!

Yes, seriously. The latest word on the web is that rubbing your vegetables against your breasts will make them grow. Your breasts, not your vegetables. But then again, who knows? Maybe it works both ways. I imagine that people who are willing to believe that smearing avocado on their décolletage will perk them up at all, are likely to believe that a courgette will benefit from a turn ‘twixt their boobs.

But no: the latest rumours report that vegetables have “very good properties for breast enhancement”. Those flat-chested among you will be unhappy to learn that these aren’t the latest scientific research findings.

Amazingly (I jest) there is no logic or empirical data to support this claim.

Instead, this advice comes from a Japanese blogger named Ryoko. According to dear old Ryoko, summer vegetables – having “grown under the influence of the summer sun” – are quite brilliant at expanding one’s breast size. She swears by it. She partakes in the vegetable rubbing ritual regularly.

Never mind expanding one’s chest I imagine one would have to expand their mind quite significantly, or perhaps shrink it, to believe her.

I also wonder what else she’s been rubbing or touching in order to believe this – I mean, something must have expanded her mind to a rather extraordinary range.

I am, it’s fair to say, much more in the camp of wanting to decrease the size of my boobs.

So maybe I should avoid touching veggies all together?

Those dastardly squashes have been pumping me up for years, for all I know.

I’ll have to relinquish my sous chef chopping duties, lest the blighters inflate me.

Although, before I start getting too het up about it, I will consider that this is not the first time Ryoko has experimented with home-made remedies for breast enlargement, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

Indeed, one of her previous attempts involved a vacuum cleaner.

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