Rebecca Moore looks at a new iPhone app that promises to "assist in your dreams"

I woke up in the early hours of yesterday morning frantically holding up my bedroom wall because it had warped into a cargo ship that was leaning over into my room, threatening to deliver several tons of precious metal onto my bedroom floor.

I not only believed that the wall had become a ship, but I also believed that I stood every chance in the world of holding it up with nothing more than my underworked arms and some courage. Dreams are brilliant, terrifying and wonderful things.

The best dream I ever had was a whole night spent running around the Westgate multi-storey car park, dressed in full combat gear and toting two handguns trying to escape from and/or kill Arnold Swarzenegger in his role as The Terminator.

I’ve never felt more bad-ass in my life and it was all down to an overactive imagination and an unhealthy obsession with Arnold’s leather pants. My point is that dreams are so glorious – and the best bit about them is that your tiny little brain has invented them all on its own. Your tiny brain that by day has been inputting data, or working out how many calories there are in a cream cake, suddenly turns into the best Hollywood director complete with infinite budget and you as its star.

Well, this was true until recently. Because you can now download an iPhone app that assists in your dreams. The Dream:ON app promises to sense your sleeping pattern and thereby know when you’ve slipped into dream mode. It then plays a preset soundscape, ranging from New York Life to Relaxing Rainforest.

Obviously the app can’t force you into readymade, scripted dreams (give it time) but its soundscape encourages certain dream scenarios: a beachscape encourages you to dream of, well, beaches – complete with sun on your back, water lapping, that sort of thing. A crackling fire no doubt would induce a Christmassy atmosphere, together with hot chocolate and warm relaxation. Eugh: it’s so banal. I understand the need for relaxation in this mad world but seriously? Surely, if your life is so stressful that you can’t even magic up a good dream, you should probably re-examine your life, not download an app.

Surely dreams should be the time that you run around, living the crazy lifestyle you’ve always secretly imagined? Oh, I’m all for relaxation: in the evening after work and before bed. Or at the weekends, strolling across Port Meadow. But in my dreams I wish to conquer Mount Everest, I want to rampage the Academy Awards stage en route to pick up my Oscar and shout obscenities. Life is full of banal, relaxing-by-the-fire type moments where I have to behave respectably.

But in my dreams I want to be absolutely ridiculous.