‘Fat-bottomed’ mum Liz Nicholls finds it hard to keep up on an active family break

Just beyond Bliss Hill, I am rapidly approaching meltdown, by bike.

My boyfriend Richard, who suddenly seems to be made of a different meat from me, is making jaunty jumps about the gravel path, all muscle and mud on two wheels.

I can’t deny it any more: I am a fat-bottomed girl whose jelly legs feel as though they’re either going to wobble off back down the slope I’ve climbed or just melt away into the New Forest soil.

We have embarked on a moderate 10-mile cycle from our base – Sandy Balls holiday village which sits in Godshill (so many hills in the names round here, even though I was promised there were no hills in the New Forest).

After borrowing bikes from the friendly team at the cycle centre, I was enticed to ride to the edge of Amberwood, which seemed the perfect patch of ancient forest to explore with my five-year-old Amber tagging along behind.

Richard knows I will do pretty much anything for a pork pie and a pint, even get on a bike for the first time in 25 years. I knew my fitness was sagging, but it would be serene, freewheeling along, I thought, through the stunning honey-tinged ancient woodland on my ‘comfort saddle’, possibly with a fag on the go.

I rock up, optimistic, attired in jeans, biker boots (how perfect, I thought!) and a T-shirt before my sports-nut boyfriend asks: ‘Haven’t you got any shorts?’ To which the only reply was: ‘have you ever seen me in shorts?!’ I should have known at this point that the meadowy meanderings I had in mind were way off the mark.

Richard grew up in a family where jumping in the St Andrews sea on New Year’s Eve morning was a fun tradition, as was throwing yourself at every contact sport going. I grew up in a family where sport was regarded as a spectator activity and a vehicle for gambling, drinking and eating crisps.

Two miles into our ride and Richard and Amber were whooping along shouting ‘faster faster!’ and I was trying not to spoil it by wheezing, and possibly dying of exhaustion and shame.

Oxford Mail:
Richard and Amber on their bike

We drank in the 1,000-year-old former Royal hunting ground (once William the Conqueror’s deer-shooting land), as russet-coloured wild ponies and Duke of Edinburgh adventurers scampered about the gorsey heath.

I almost cried with relief when we dismounted at the brick and cob thatched Royal Oak pub on the edge of Fritham village. Here I enjoyed the best pork pie of my greedy life and then set about trying (and failing) to find a van driver who could give me and the bike a ride back to base.

Oh, how they laughed at my hitchhiking attempt... but I was entirely serious. Anyway, I managed to haul my flabby, knackered body back in the saddle for the return leg and even enjoy the sun-dappled heather and oak wonderland.

Until another monstrous hill almost got the better of me (while Richard was shouting gibberish at me about ‘gears’ and ‘cogs’ that might have been Klingon.

As I puffed and panted at the top, Richard said cheerfully ‘shall we actually go a bit further, this ride isn’t very long?’.

And I had what Amber now describes as Mummy’s Tantrum.

Throwing my helmet and the bike into a dip (though, I must reassure Sandy Balls that no wildlife or cycling equipment was harmed during this hissy fit), I unleashed a colourful rant about how unnatural cycling is and how I was never getting on a bike again.

I stopped just short of beating up my bicycle with a leafy branch, Basil Fawlty-style, but only just.

There are all manner of leisurely antics you can enjoy at Sandy Balls – with its cosy woodland lodges – such as arts and crafts, biscuits and baskets, clay play.

Just a short (and easy) drive from Oxford, it is perfectly placed for a stroll around the beautiful forest, including the Giant’s Grave ruins.

I will happily go back, but, for everyone’s sake, please don’t put me on a bike again with those two maniacs.

ESSENTIALS

 To stay at Sandy Balls for a three-night weekend or four-night midweek stay starts from just £159 for four people. To book or for more information about holidays or its very reasonable bike hire, visit sandyballs.co.uk or call 0844 693 1434. 
*Visit cyclex.co.uk for cycle maps and more. Visit forestry.gov.uk/gruffalo to find out about the Gruffalo trail event  in the New Forest until August 31.