You have thrown the party of your life: downed tequila slammers, danced on the tables, shown the world your knickers, got right royally trashed, laughed and screamed until your belly hurt.
But now it’s dawn and you have the worst hangover ever suffered by womankind, and yet the party continues. People refuse to go home, they are doing a samba on your bed, shouting in your delicate ears and letting party poppers off in your blubbing face. You want to shrivel up and live under a duvet forever.
I imagine this is how poor Brazil feel after their 7-1 drubbing by the Germans, and yet still the tournament totters on without them, taunting them with its merriment. I say poor, but the Brazil team do not deserve our pity. Did you see the carnage? Me, my gran and her budgie could have put up a better defence.
On a lighter note: pants in your face.
David Beckham’s to be precise. What is it with Goldenballs? Now he’s too old to play for England, he seems to be making up for his lack of pitch appearances by popping up everywhere during the World Cup – he’s like soo omnipresent, literally Godlike. There he is comforting Neymar after the injured striker was left out of the Brazil squad this week (bet the tufty haired dynamo’s glad about that now), there’s Becks looking handsome in the A-list box at the Wimbledon men’s final (with Posh in a nice frock) and now this week he’s launched some more pants.
Is there a week when he isn’t launching a new range of grundies you might ask yourself. Short answer: no. Anyhoo for his latest H&M undercrackers he’s looking smoking hot, so despite being a desperate limelight hog, we’re letting him on to this page for your delectation. Well you would, wouldn’t you, ladies?
Back to the World Cup. We will miss the fun and frippery, but before we say adieu, here are our winners: Fave wag: Shakira, the multi-millionaire Colombian pop star with the famously shimmying booty and partner to hunksome Spanish player Piqué. We love a twerking girl.
biggest crush: It’s a three-way tie between young James Rodriguez of Colombia, aka J-Rod, old man Pirlo, the 35-year-old Italian with bushy beard, and fabby Fabregas, the goofily handsome Spaniard.
Dodgy crush: Luis Suarez. Bad and misunderstood with a fine pair of gnashers.
we will miss: The ref’s magic foam. Bye foamy, see you at Russia 2018!