Marc West finds himself in a sticky situation following his dastardly deeds

What do foraging bats, infectious diseases and serial killers all have in common?

Nope, this isn’t a joke. A deadly murderer is on the loose in the city and we’re all suspects in a case even Oxford’s own super sleuth Morse might struggle to solve – using only old-fashioned policing and gut instinct.

Thankfully, evolutionary biologist Dr Steven Le Comber from London’s Queen Mary University has been drafted in to help uncover this dreadful crime. His pioneering research uses geographic profiling techniques, pioneered in biological studies, to create a mathematical model for use in criminology that would make even Sherlock Holmes look elementary.

Past evidence reveals that criminals are largely lazy creatures of habit and generally commit their dastardly deeds within a small circumference of their own home. Even so, tracking them down is still a game of chance, not unlike the popular children’s game Battleship. Using the principle of Bayes’ Rule, the search area can be narrowed down to a manageable prospect. But, by employing the so-called Serial Killer Formula, it could be just a single street.

This is all very bad news for me. As, unbeknown to Steven and my fellow audience members, I’m East Oxford’s very own Ripper.

Yes, I’ve been dragging this dreadful secret around like a ball-and-chain for weeks and it’s looking likely I’ll be caught red-handed with the candlestick in the cellar any moment.

In preparation for this interactive evening of interrogation and intrigue, I was asked to list all the places I’ve parted with my hard-earned cash over the past two weeks and anonymously submit the GPS data to the experiment. Along with the postcodes of everyone else in the frame, each of these sites would represent crime scenes and generate a spatial signal with which Steve could begin his hi-tech whodunnit.

I was banking on a few red herrings in the data to throw my pursuer off the chase, but fearing the likes of the Kingham Plough and Bicester Village revealed more about my lifestyle than my (make believe) killing tendencies. So far, this method has been fantastically successful in tracking down everything from the migration of mosquitos, the hunting patterns of great white sharks… and even the true identity of street artist Banksy. Its proven track record is so good that the LAPD, FBI and Met Police all swear by it – so, I wasn’t fancying my chances. My pulse was racing and palms sweating as Steven ran the algorithm on the screen before our eyes.

The girl sat next to me got questioned first. But I wasn’t going to cough (not just yet). Within minutes the open-source software had identified my “wicked quarter mile” of OX4 from the sample across the county. Sadly, the evidence was irrefutable and I had to go quietly.

So, it just goes to show, you never know who could be stood behind you in the queue at Waitrose. And, that you’re definitely giving away more information about yourselves (other than mere social standing) than you might realise – just by purchasing some milk and a copy of today’s Oxford Mail.

To celebrate 30 years of encouraging the pursuit of science and enterprise, Science Oxford continues its programme of events throughout autumn. So, whether you’re just mad about maths, a teacher who’s fanatical for physics or a student bursting to be the next Prof Brian Cox, this should be your first port of call.

Hosted by Oxford Brookes University, their All That Glitters event on November 26 is a unique cabaret investigating the science of sparkles. Free tickets are available now via scienceoxfordlive.com.