Having sampled the delights of the plate decorating class Katherine MacAlister decides to try out the eaterie at the Roald Dahl Museum

The starter of eyeballs on toast with a side order of scabs was followed by frogs legs served on a bed of sick.

It was indeed a disgusterous dinner plate and my children were absolutely delighted with their handiwork.

Having enrolled on the plate decorating class at the Roald Dahl Museum in Great Missenden, perfect summer holiday fodder for dispirited parents, their worst creations were then permanently embellished, and later taken home.

As making them involved much hilarity and a great deal of concentration in evoking their revolting repasts, it was an instant success.

Which meant that by the time lunchtime approached, the youngsters were slightly trepidatious when approaching the in-house Café Twit in case their own imaginings had somehow come to life and been made available as specials of the day.

And as chocolate featured large in the museum’s exhibitions, we were hungry, and as it was a lovely sunny day, sat outside in the open-air big, noisy courtyard, crammed full with other hungry children.

It was always going to be chaotic, but Café Twit was total pandemonium.

The main problem was having to order in the indoor cafe, where the queue snaked right out of the door. Agitated, hungry, fidgety and fractious children battling their way to the front, then had to wait while their orders were made up by the minimal staff, and the chefs struggled to get their food out of the kitchens.

And while there were Oompa-Loompa lunch bags which included a SandWitch (ham, cheese, tuna, egg mayo, jam, Marmite) with yoghurt, raisins, treat, fruit juice and crisps for £5.95, you had to make them up yourself which took even longer, especially as children had to make decisions on the spot, not one of their fortes. Hot and cold offerings such as jacket potatoes, paninis and soup then had to be brought out later.

Just negotiating the full heavy tray back to the table outside was therefore a major undertaking, and more like a Miss Trunchbull obstacle course.

None of which bothered me. What did was the table itself. When we sat down it was filthy. Finished trays are meant to be left on a table at the end of the courtyard, but children are messy creatures and staff should ensure that each table is wiped down before the next people arrive. It wasn’t until our food was actually brought out of the kitchen and we asked if it could be wiped down, that the smears of sandwich and goo were removed.

As for the food itself, it really wasn’t up to much. The limp microwaved sausage rolls and wilted lettuce were left uneaten and the sandwiches were tres ordinaire.

But the children were completely undeterred, because they had their eyes on one thing and one thing only – the drinks. The Whizzpopper, for example, came with swirls of foamy hot chocolate with marshmallows, Smarties and crushed Maltesers (£2.50), and would have made Augustus Gloop’s dream come true. The cakes were similarly excessive so we ended on a high of sugar and excitement.

As with all of these places, you know there must be a better way.

If your peak times are during the school holidays, and you cater predominantly for children, then simplify things. Serve outside as well as in, barbecue, use waitress service, get more staff in for your busiest periods, make up the lunch bags in advance, anything, other than this old-fashioned, canteen style queueing system which means you want to eat your own head by the time you get to the front, deafened and bruised, which Roald Dahl probably would have loved.

It makes you wonder which twit they were referring to. It felt like us.

Cafe Twit
The Roald Dahl Museum and Story Centre, 81-83 High Street, Great Missenden, Bucks HP16 0AL
01494 892192 roalddahl.com/museum